Monday, April 14, 2008

Ready...Set...Rate the Bubba!

Holy scrotes! It's Monday again. I don't know about you, but I am in the mood. The mood to rate some Bubbas. There are a lot of different kinds of Bubbas on this lonely planet we share, but contrary to popular belief, not all Bubbas were created equal. No sir; that is, indeed, a common logical fallacy. For example, I had no idea until I consulted the wisest wizard, Wikipedia, that the term "bubba" can be "used as a term of endearment, to describe someone who is especially lovable, adorable, etc." Since the "etc." is open-ended, in my head I allow that someone to be especially fly, bloated, doped-up, or whorish. Anyway, I would love one day to be walking in from the kitchen just to hear "Hey, Bubba: Could you be a ham sandwich and bring me a glass of milk - and not that 1% crap like your mom buys when she visits but the whole milk that makes me realize I am a real man? Thanks, Bubba." A girl can dream.

But, you know, there are many various and sundry categories of Bubba. For that reason, we must rate our Bubbas on a Bubba scale to differentiate the nuances. That scale is as follows:

Fo shiz sublime Bubba perfection.

Mainly aces amounts of Bubba.

Mainstream Bubbosity.

Lowgrade pieces of trifling Bubbaness.

Bubba chewed up and excremented out.

So, here we go, my friends. Let's Rate the Bubba!

Bubba from Mama's Family - He's just aight for me. Sure, when I was ten I thought he was smokin' hot, but, looking back, Bubba was an overgrown nine year old. Both hyperactive and dimwitted, I contend that Bubba might have the worst fake Southern accent of any fake Southern character in the history of television. I also always thought he was hot for Iola, and that's just nast. So, Thelma's grandson garners . . .

Bubba Smith - In particular, Bubs as Hightower in the Police Academy series. You know what? Hightower was frickity awesome. He was the yin to Mahoney's yang - clearly the straightman comic genius behind Steve Guttenberg. He carried the weight of lousy Tackleberry on his shoulders. He brought the flava to the force. He's a perfect Bubba.

Bubba Joe - Yeah - before tonight, I had no idea who Bubba Joe was either. But, comin' in like the thunda, he's the flippin star of the dog each day website. Sadly, Bubba Joe no longer lifts his leg on this green Earth; however, I read that "He never met a stranger, loved to visit in nursing homes and was the light of [his lucky owners]' lives!" Beej, you seem to have been a lovable little tail chasing scamp. May you be catching only the finest tail in doggy heaven.

Bubba Gump Shrimp Company - In all fairness, I have never eaten at this seafood restaurant capitalizing on the success of a tired film about a mentally stunted grown man who, like, runs places or something. I am pretty biased as I took this little personal stand when the movie came out a hundred years ago that I wasn't going to go see it. I didn't see it, time passed, still didn't see it, time passed, still didn't see it, time passed, and then my spiteful husband tied me to a chair and taped my eyelids open, forcing me to watch it. It made me feel so dirty. I hated the movie. Boo to your Run Forrest, Run Smoothie, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company! I hate you!

Bubba Sparxxx - Yup. I didn't even know until tonight that this spittin Southern sparkplug spelled his name with three x's.
That is so effing clever.

Bubba Bubba Bubba - No, I'm not drunk (right now). There is actually a guy formerly known as Raymond Allen Gray Jr. who legally changed his name to Bubba Bubba Bubba. What the crap? He elucidates: "My dad called me Buddy, and it got switched to Bubby. Some of the kids couldn't pronounce Buddy too well, so they said Bubby, and it just stuck." Oh. Well, that makes sense then. I guess I should point out that I did not have an actual picture of Bubba Cubed, but I felt like he might share some things in common with these fellas. I like to picture him as the one on the left with the binoculars and the Winston Red. You can take your pick, though. Anyway, he's a manmeat marketing genius, am I right?

Hubba Bubba Soda - This crap was amazing. Where the hell did it go? (And I am NOT talking to you, wannabe Diet version. As if.). Every day that I live without this heavenly bubble gum flavored ambrosia in my life is another twenty four hour nightmare. I'll never forget you, HBS. I'll. Never. Forget.

Bubba Burgers - Have you had these? Hope not, because they are so lame. They are weirdly shaped, weirdly colored, and if I wanted to see that combo, I'd look at John Travolta's nipples again. They suck at tasting good, too. I haven't had a burger in
136 lonely days, but, if all of a sudden I could chew and someone handed me a Bubba Burger, I'd say no. No way.

Bubba D. Licious - This beautiful blonde bombshell was named Best Drag Performer by Southern Voice like a trillion times. She and her alter ego Jim Marks have devoted years upon years raising awareness and inspiring action in the struggle against HIV and AIDS. The cherry on my newfound love for Ms. D. Licious comes in the form of Jim Marks' testimony against former Atlanta Brave uberblowy maxipad John Rocker during Major League Baseball's hearings against Rocker's racist and anti-gay remarks. Anyway, I've never seen her in person, but apparently she lives within a twenty mile radius of me, so, very soon she should consider herself stalked.

Bubba's Taxidermy - Located in that beautiful metropolis Dawsonville, Georgia, this wild animal stuffer slash preserver takes the "creep" out of creepy bloodless animal carcass preservation. According to their dope website , Bubba's owner and chief taxidermist Dwayne "takes pride in every mount he does." Oh, Dwayne. Whisper sweet nothings to me while you remove the sexy soft tissues from the roadkill. Dwayne's wife is the "skinner and flesher" and "helps clients with picking out a great mount." This is my kind of family business! Their motto, "Start a family tradition take a child hunting," is grammatically incorrect and, frankly, kinda scary, but I'm not gonna hold it against 'em. In fact, I'll give them free advertising right here, right now! (Hey everybody! Let's all find some deceased animals to skin and save and let's have Dwayne do 'em up right!) Anyway, Bubba's Taxidermy sounds pretty killer to me! Right on.

Well alrighty. That was a set of Big N'Tasty Bubbas on the Bubba scale, huh? I'm glad we could share them together.

Get a little more lovin' on right here:


Alice said...

Where in the hell was I when Hubba Bubba Soda hit the stores?

Meg said...

Those are some fine Bubbas. But I prefer my Bubbas with some Blubbly!

cory said...

For the most part I agree with your list, but I'm going to have to take issue with Bubba Bubba Bubba only getting a 4.

If you're ranking Bubba's, how could someone who changed his named to be comprised of nothing but Bubbas not receive a perfect score? It defies logic. You were robbed, Bubba cubed.

damon said...

Wasn't there a cartoon donkey that hung out with Quickdraw McGraw whose name was Bubba-looie?

Bubbarating on a Monday, nice.

Bee said...

I have eaten at Bubba Gump at Navy Pier in Chicago.
My review:
They had a killer strawberry lemonade! The rest, meh.

I too had a crush on Bubba from Mama's family. I think it was the mullet.

Freddy said...

Bubba fun! Now I want to try Hubba Bubba soda....

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I can't wait for the Kosher Edition: Rate The Bubbe!

what's a donzer said...

I don't know, Alice. I feel for you that you missed it. Actually, I am jealous, for, as cinderella sagely points out, you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. so true.

Amen, Meg!

Sorry, Cory. I gotta go with my heart. Four Bubbas and no more for Bubba Bubba Bubba.

I think you're right, Damon. I see a Rate the Bubba part 2 in our future...

Mmmm. Strawberry lemonade. Mmmm. They're especially good with vodka in them! And, I agree with the mullet. It certainly wasn't the suspenders that drew us in!

Freddy, if I could rewind to 1988, it'd be my mission to procure a case and share some HB soda with you.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rate the Bubbe! It's GENIUS!!!