Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Bringing Zaxy Back: An Indecent Proposal

Rather than playing the unfunniest, creepiest April Fools' joke ever on my husband and using this post to announce that I am pregnant, instead I will ignore this zany date all together and just use this post to apply for a job. "Why, whatever sort of job are you applying for?" you must be wondering. I'm glad you asked. Oh, and way to end your hypothetical thought in a preposition. I, my friends, would like to devote my boundless energy and uncompromising talents to becoming the next distinguished member of the Zaxby's spokesmodel team.

If you are unfamiliar with my (former) red hot lover Zaxby's, my heart goes out to you, for Zaxby's is only one of the most spectacularly freakin awesome chicken finger establishments to ever have been establishmented. For whatever reason, Zaxby's restaurants are only located in twelve states: Mississippi, Alabama, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas, Georgia, Ohio, North Carolina, Virginia, and Florida. You, yourself, may prefer to affectionately call these states by their 2007 fattest states in the nation rankings: Fatties 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12, 14, 16, 17, 23, and 34. Anyway, that's probably a big coincidoodle. If you have never had the pleasure of taking Zaxby's as your lover, you are missing out on sinfully delightful Zappetizers like fried onion rings, fried mushrooms, and fried tater chips. You'd also be missing out on refreshingly tasty Zalads such as the Chicken Salad Zalad and the Buffalo Blue Zalad. Mmmmmm. But the pièce de résistance of the entire zexy lineup is the divine Chicken Finger Plate featuring Chicken Fingerz, Crinkle Fries, Texas toast, cole slaw and Zax Sauce®. Omygod - did someone just say Zax Sauce®? Wow.

I guess I should get back to the task at hand and relate to you how my Zaxby's spokesmodel dreams emerged. You see, a while back I began noticing a series of Zaxby's commericals featuring the most flawless lineup of Zaxby's representatives one could possibly assemble (I mean, you know, until I join the crew). These chicken lovin MVPs stand in front of the cameras and extol off the cuff lamentations regarding their adoration for the fingas (or the wings, or zalads, or what have you). In fact, just tonight, I was watching the Braves blow their second game in a row (nice job), yet the game was somehow salvaged by the presence of archetypal superhero Lorenzo Lamas (!) singing sweet songs of Zaxby praise during a commercial break. Aaah. Some of other spectacular talent utilized by Zaxby's includes:

1) The Human Highlight Film himself, dunkin' Dominique Wilkins, being - literally - finger lickin' hot. Big D's ads are understated and sexy. You can view them here. Mmm. Here's a smokin' sidenote: My husband ran into 'Nique at his gym once. From what I understand, they shared a very significant moment.

2) Gigglysweet, lovable Diana DeGarmo, who is clearly second to none (well, except Fantasia Barrino, obviously). Diana shows us how she morphs into a human garbage disposal (her words, not mine!), all for the love of the Zax. Sheet Yes, Di! Right on!

3) Beautiful Bo Duke himself, smokin'okin' John Schneider likes to ride the wings dirty style and medium heatyhotty, too. His on fire ads bring the sizzle to my tv screen and an achin for the Big Z in my belly.

4) The greatest NFL wide receiver of all time and Dancing With the Stars next man in line to take the crown should anything have happened such that Drew Lachey could not fulfill his dancing duties in 2006, Jerry Rice, too, shares his equation for a perfect night. It involves some sweet Zaxby's goodness and (I like to imagine) me.

5) Another American Idol nonwinner Zaxophile is former backup singer Melinda Dolittle. You fade into the background no longer, lady. No, Ma'am, MD: you do a lot - you trip the light fantastic Zaxbaliciously. And I thank you.

There are others whose ads are equally admirable, including Family Matters' Urkel Avoider/Carl Winslow potrayer Reginald VelJohnson; NASCAR legend (apparently) Bobby Allison; heavyweight hunk Evander HolyMoly Holyfield; and the lesser (sorry, I'm partial) of the Carays, young Skip Caray.

Here's my pitch, Zaxby's. These cats are all obviously amazing. But you know what you don't bring to the table? That's right: a non-chewer. And, I am willing to bet every single cent in my bank account that I am Zaxby's #1 non-chewing fan in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. I propose to you, Zax, that we feature the first advertisement in which your delicious Fingerz, crinkle Friez, and - aah - Zax Sauce® are blended in an industrial strength blending machine and ingested by Yours Truly. Zaxby's, you would appeal to a crowd that has been discriminated against FAR too often in the past: you would appeal to the nonchewers.
So, please, Zaxby's: allow me to become the most enthusiastic spokesmodel you have ever had. Allow me to be the face of the blended Zaxby. I love you. Thank you for your time and attention. I look forward to doing business with you in the future.
need some more reading material? I know a couple spots: humor-blogs.com and humor.alltop.com.


cory said...

Wow... Talk about an all star cast! And I can't think of a better candidate than you to represent the non-chewer demographic. What do you think they'll call the new meal/drink? Chicken Finger Zmoothie? Buffalo Hot Wing Zlushie?

julius bloop said...

zaxby sounds like a prescription drug you'd take if you were afflicted with some kind of awful zack morris-related illness.

a zack attack, perhaps?

what's a donzer said...

Aaah, Julius. You know how to dig where it hurts: my love of prescription meds and my incessant need for all things Morris.

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