Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Amy Fisher Says the Darndest Things

It's a special day! America's favorite precocious big-banged posterchild, Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher, has just announced that she is pregnant with her third child by husband (and her recent sex tape costar) Lou Bellara. Congratulations, Amy and Lou!

In honor of the extraordinary news, I immediately went to my bedside table where I keep my Journal of Amy Fisher Wisdom and pulled out some of my fave quotes from the mental giant. Here, in no particular order, are some words that continue to inspire me and get me through my roughest of days:

“I am, like, a good person and a good mom, and, like, I care about everybody around me." - Obviously, you do, Amy, and you have the storebought double Ds to prove it. Speaking of which...

When asked about knowing that her victim, Mary Jo, has to live with a bullet delivered from Amy forever in her head: “You know what? That means nothing! I have silicone in my boobs and I don’t feel that either. Please!”
Good point, Amy. I bet there are about a million guys in the greater Long Island area who cannot say the same.

And, while we're on the topic of Mary Jo: "Mary Jo is a nonentity. People are angry at me because I'm a millionaire. But guess what? So is Mary Jo! She made more millions off of what I did than what I made."
That lucky beetch! Capitalizing off your rightful gun toting hoey teen story!

“I thought about writing a book for a while. At first I wanted to write one that would give advice to parents on how to spot trouble signs in their kids and advice to kids on how to stay away from the kind of trouble I got into.”
Hey, Amy. My daughter seems eerily drawn only to men in jungle print muscle pants. Is this a bad sign?

On her service to humanity: "My husband, you know, released this [sex tape]. And you know what? It's out there. I have two choices. I can sit there and say, it doesn't exist, which it does exist, you know. Or I can do the intelligent thing . . . I mean, unbelievably, you know, a sex tape comes out and the next thing I know, I mean I'm getting offers for endorsements . . . . And you know, it's a good thing. It's fun for everybody.”
On the next episode of Martha Stewart: The face (and vag) of the liberated woman of the 2000s. It's a very good thing.

On recently rekindling the spark with her intellectual and carnal soulmate, Joey Buttafuoco: "Having sex with Joey wasn't that great 17 years later. I was like, 'Ewwwww.' It wasn't good at all...When he was the older man 17 years ago, he was just 33 years old. But now he's 50 ... He didn't take care of himself at all. He's got man boobs. So I quickly got sick of having sex with him. Our recent fling only lasted for a week."
I'll believe it when I see it. This is JoeymotherfreakinButtafuoco we're talking about here. Come on.
Anyway, here's to you, Amy. Your sagacity has gotten me through some really tough times. May you continue to inspire with your gems for years to come.
Need more inspiration? Click on THIS: humor-blogs.com


leigh said...

ok, so now i totally get what joey saw in her. she's deep.

Bee said...

Oh that Amy, she knows how to like speak so that I can like understand her you know? I mean, yeah.

She's gonna be sorry she said those mean things about Joey! I hear he has shotguns in those man boobs!

Freddy said...

So much I did not know! Loved it...and Amy needs to get over Joey's moobs..she probably has varicose veins or somethin..

Alice said...

I learn so much here... hmmm... the "intelligent" way to handle a leaked sex tape... you never know when I can use info like that.

damon said...

I am like, so impressed with her like, comeback!
Most of Joeys garage day bimbos are still wandering in anonimity.

Still, the rack is nice.

mrviognier said...

Amy Fisher. Millionaire. Amy Fisher? Millionaire?! Right, Amy, you keep believing that one, hon. You can get the gal out of the trailer, but not the trailer out of the girl.

How PROUD her kids must be!

what's a donzer said...

I agree, Leigh. Reading her words, it's as though I am back in my freshman philosophy class again, poring over the Hume and Kierkegaard.

You feel it, too, Bee? And, he has my HEART in those man boobs!

I love the word "moobs", Freddy. And she definitely as varicose veins. Um, not that I have seen her and her mediumly hung husband's sex tape or anything...

Yes, Alice, and thank you. It takes a village to teach these points of wisdom. Kim Kardashian should be taking notes, eh?

Oh, Damon. Silicone does a Jersey hoodrat good!

Mr. Viognier, this is the world in which we live. She has two books out there and a bangin sex tape. Do you have any idea how much Aqua Net hairspray those clams'll buy?
Amazing, huh?

Anonymous said...

I wonder when reading comments like this, do any of the supposed adults here realize that there are innocent 'children' involved in all of this mess?

I'm glad to see that MaryJo has moved on with her life, and Joey's status really doesn't surprise me, but Amy is still stuck in the quagmire of life and now seems to be dragging her children (along with her crazy husband) right along with her.

That's NOT the sign of a real or good mother, but a girl who's never really grown up, crying out for HELP but who doesn't even realize it herself. God help those poor children (and loss of self-esteem and child Amy Fisher too). NO real winners here folks.