Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Down and Dirty Development Version 13.0

Whoa there, sassy samplers of the server side of sexalicious! Out of nowhere, the most controversial two weeks in the history of our favorite carnal coding feature has just hit this blog is eggsalady. As we all know, Sexy Programmer Thursday is a lover not a fighter, so what was the contentious quarrel all about? Well, my friends, it seems that the past two Sexy Programmer recipients (Wikipedia creator Jimbo Wales and Amazon creator Jeff Bezos, of course) have ruffled a feather or two in the spicy development community. Literally thousands wrote in to express discontent or support for the last two stars of our show. See below.

I am CdrAdama 69 wrote in, "Maybe your feature should be called Sexy Sellout Investor Thursday. Why don’t you profile a real programmer instead of the Amazon guy who still can't seem to get his crap together and send me my Babylon 5: Lost Tales dvd I ordered eleven freaking days ago." And then there was DCOM-Tom, who contentiously spat, "Jeff Bezos couldn't tell his qualified identifiers from his ass." Now, I don't normally condone any sort of fighting, but all of this mudslinging amongst code studs has gotten me all kinds of excited. Well, my friends. I have heeded your calls (and finally gotten over the virus one angrily hot programmer dropped on my computer out of sexy spite).

This week, we are getting back to badass basics with a real down and dirty developer. Today's
captivating Cap'n Code is as hands-on (squeal!) piece of program pastry as they come. He's, like, the most valuable Microsoft-centric programmer to ever stroke a mouse. He's only written a jillion books (you've probably read one or ten of them - um, hello? Professional Visual Basic Interoperability - COM and VB6 to .NET, anyone? Like we all haven't dived straight into that a hundred times on a Saturday night!) Besides those things, he's dominated a billion more things, from CSLA to Magenic; that's right, today's realdeal hardcore studlycuddly coder is noneother than Rockford "Rocky" Lhotka. Lhotka? More like HOTka!

Yo, Adrienne! Get a load of some of these RANDY ROCKFORD FILES:

1) He's one Sexy Superman - That's right; he's a comely comic collector. If only someone would graphically design his amazingly delicious adventures on paper - and not just in my dreams!

2) He's a Melt in Your Mouth Minnesotan - mmm. Mountain men are amazing, and Rocky's no exception. He loves "fishing, hunting, trapping, snowmobiling, boating, swimming and generally wandering through the woods and lakes of central Minnesota." Rocky: You. Me. An abandoned cabin in the woods. It's on.

3) He lulls luscious lyrics of love. - Our Rockin' Rocky gets in the mode to code by crooning along to the sweet sounds of Rush, Queensryche, Godsmack, and Linkin Park. What a coincidence. Lhotka has been living in Silent Lucidity in my imagination for ages now. Oh, my dream is over. Or has it just begun?

And now. I have an extraspecial treat for you all. You're only gonna find it here, lookieloos (and perhaps Amazon and upon performing a painstaking Google search). After all the bad blood of the past fourteen days, it's only fair I treat you to a little harmony. A gift from me, to you. It's the Most Lust-inducing Literature Collection you're ever going to Lay Eyes On. Programming Porn - a Whole Lotta Lotkha - just for you.

I like to call this one Pensive Programmer. It's really Rocky at his very best, in my opinion. To me, it's like, nothing says badass like a man who's not afraid to sack up and pose as though he's taking his senior portrait and his life is on the line. From the perfectly feathered hair to the beautifully groomed beard: It's pure sex, eh?

Oh, a classic. In my head it's My God, Do I Ever Get a Kick Out of How Pensive Rocky Looks Again. It's almost like Billy is trying to suck in some of Rocky's sexy through his giganticly hot calculator watch. And look at Rocky over there. He's all: I'm gonna go for the poppin' my chin zit look, and even that won't detract one iota from my full-on sexy.

Look! It's Like I Even Need My Pensive Pose Anymore I'm So Enormously Sexy. Billy's back again, and all he can do is stand back and reel in Rocky's sexy. Look - written all over Billy's face, it's, "I was the sexy codetoter once, you young virile bastard." And Rocky knows it. There's no getting around who the star of the schwing is on this set.

And finally, it's the Sexy Septet All Stars. The amount of sexy oozing off our bunch is staggering. But, my buttoned down Lhotka of Love is clearly the Professional VB Prom King. (Rumor has it "VB" stands for vag bait. Confirmed!)

So here's to you, Rockford Lhotka. You are like the SuperSmokin World Peace of Sexy Programmer Thursday. Thanks for unifying us all in your lusty, lusty love. Shalom.

A very special Happy Belated Birthday to an original BSG, Brett. Hope your big day was super sexy!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

An Open Letter to My Lover

Dear KFC Famous Mashed Potato Bowl with Gravy,

How are you? I am fine. I just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know that I cannot stop thinking about you lately. KFC MPBw/G, you know you're the bomb. I mean, I can't even imagine my life before I met you. You totally get me, and I just know that we will be together forever. My god; it's like, you could have just stopped at the mashed potatoes, gravy, and deliciously sexy, naughtily plump pieces of all white meat chicken (which I lustily dice into tiny little morsels of love so my nonchewing orifice can swallow you with ease. And, how!) that are swimming seductively together in a plastic container of unadulterated ecstasy. But, no. You kept going, and you kept going with the fervor and passion of a thousand blazing bordellos on a steamy July night. Concerned about my nutrients, you tossed in some corn for good measure. Oh, Famous Bowl, just when you disclose your concern to fulfill my daily vegetable needs with your corn addition, then you go and demonstrate your lascivious shamelessness, bringing my love for you to a staggering climax: you go and cover your whole damn hot body with cheese. I love you.

Oh, Hot 'n Sexy, there are many who try to make me feel shame for my love for you. They say that you are no good; that loving you will lead me down a dangerous path, and that I will abandon all the things that are good for me. Well, dammit, I don't care. I need you, Bowl. You may be 740 calories, but you are my 740 calories, and I will not feel shame for our love. What we have is pure, and they can't take that away from us. No one understands what we share. You know I'll be with you forever.

Well, I just wanted to make sure you know how I feel.


I love you soooooooo much,


p.s. - Eat your heart out, Wolf Blitzer!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Luscious Treasures Version 12.0

Are you ready, my tinglymingly merchants of desire? You have arrived on a mystical, momentous occasion - the Sexy Sale of the Century! - and the babealicious bargain of our lifetime is one devilishly delicious doorbuster. That's right, shameless shoppers; it is once again our favorite day of the week - our opportunity to buy a boo at a bargain basement price - it's Sexy Programmer Thursday!

You will not be disappointed in this week's mesmerizing merchandise. No need for your credit cards this time, because the hotness is on us! Well, we wish he was on us - but, the hotness is totally gratis, and my, my, my are we grateful! Our heavenly hunk of the week is a window shopper's wildest dream. He's wonderfully wondrous eye candy, and he comes in just the right size. On top of all of his amazingly alluring assets, he also just so happens to offer about a jillion perfect products to the world via the commercially happening hotbed of love that HE CREATED - yes, that's right - our lovely clerk of love invented our shopping utopia -! He's beautiful Jeff Bezos, and we've got plenty of him in stock, right here.

We're whetting your whistle, I know. Want more? Yeah you do. Well, preferred shoppers, you're gonna get more. Can you handle it? Our Titan of Techsales, Baby Baby Bezos, brings the beefcake thunder, and he makes no apologies for his beauty. Saddle up and stay a while, and clip a few CAPTIVATING COUPONS of desirous info about our chiseled chairman of the board. Let the lusting commence.

1) You better believe we partied like it was 1999 in 1999. - You know it - and here's why. Time magazine named our Amastud Jeffy Bezos the motherfreaking Person of the motherfreaking Year in 1999. As if I had to remind you, I know. But, our gentle Jeff won the prize not just for his smokin hotness, but also for his ability to totally dominate the e-commerce universe. Who else has Time deemed POTY worthy? Oh. Just people like Harry Truman, Winston Churchill, JFK, Martin Luther King, Jr., Henry Kissinger, and other less attractive than Jeff worldsavers. But, yeah. Look at our bucking beauty over there. His head is mystifyingly floating in a sea of packing peanuts, and he still arrests us with his hottitude. Oh yeah.

2) Oh, to be near his lingering, tinkering hands. - Aaah. If only his handsome hands were in our vicinity, our fulfillment potential would be realized. Bazos the Babezos possesses ten perfect, technical, detail-oriented, mechanical, digits of desire. When he was just a wee toddler, he disassembled his own crib with just a screwdriver and those handy hands. As a kid, he rigged an alarm to his room with those pretty paws to keep his prysies siblings out. He was a computer science major at Princeton where he used his massive manhands to fully realize his technolove. Imagining our heroic hunk toying with the objects of his desire gets us all kinds of shivery, eh? I've got a few things that could use some tinkering, if you know what I mean, Jeff. It's your move.

3) He's already sent us into orbit, but he's ready to take all the world to outer space. - This pioneer of perfatuation is taking groundbreaking steps into the world of space tourism for the masses, and he wants to be our very own tantalizing tour guide. He's ready for liftoff, and so are our hearts, for he's launching a "vertical-takeoff, vertical-landing rocket ship capable of taking passengers to the edge of space," where they will experience several minutes of actual weightlessness, just like the kind of weightlessness they feel when they look into Bezos' alluring eyes. Commercial trips are scheduled to commence in 2010, and believe me, if I have to sell my ears and arms on Amazon, I'm all over it just to spend some precious time with our precious Jeff. Blasting off into the stratosphere has never been so sexy.

4) This man's man knows how to make our bluecollar desires boil. - Yes, he's a billionaire. Yes, he could sit back, basking in his chair made of money while we fan him with wads of cash, collecting his sweetly smelling sweat dripping with dinero into our gilded jars of passion. But he doesn't. Instead, he mingles with the unworthy masses, wanting nothing more than to drive the forklifts that we, the unworthy commonfolk, drive around the warehouses of the world. Our Jubilant Jeff relates this endearing little tale: "One day, I was at one of our sites and I asked the guys who worked there if I could drive the forklift. They had to think about it for a while because of all of the safety issues — destroying inventory, hurting people … They said, “Well …” Then, they took it outside and I got to drive the forklift." So sweet. So innocent. So sexy.

5) Never have sexier entendre-laden words been spewed in the history of the world. - In the sexiest profile of a sexy programmer ever written, writer Alan Deutschman for tickles our special places, teasing us with Bezos wanderlust, in his arousing description of Jeff's upbringing: Deutschman reveals that, summering on a Texas ranch, Jeff intimately learned the "mountainous area" spending time as he "castrated cattle... and laid pipes." My mind can't stop imagining Jeff the Dream laying pipe in those mountainous areas over and over and over again. Alan Deutschman: thank you for the most erotically charged lines of poetry I have ever read. Jeff's image will forever burn in my mind, in my mountain, and in my soul.

Bezos the Beautiful has taken my breath away. Amazon's founder is the sexiest salesman in the stratosphere. Thank you, Jeff Bezos, for your contributions to our computers and to our bodies. You have us sweating, Jeff, and for that, you are one amazing bearer of the Sexy Programmer Thursday crown. You wear it well.

this is so sexy:

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Now imagine if they'd had some Wesson on hand.

I have been the planet's biggest loser deadbeat lately, but as freaking soon as I saw this, I had to hightail it all crazy-ex-boyfriend's-Camaro-like-fast to tell you all about it. It's my favorite formerly femulleted fictitious mom of all time (who - spoiler alert! - is incidentally allegedly rumored to be in some serious contract talk to headline one of Mullatio Enterprises' very special holiday edition films...Have Yourself Some Very Brady Mullatio anyone? Seasons Greetings, indeed!) involved in some seriously hot lip-action with my favorite badass judicious queen of sass. I think this particular beautiful brand of lady love deserves a haiku, am I right?
Menopausal lust,
Florence. Judy. A gavel.
Passion knows no age.
Just because I don't call you or write you or visit you as often as I'd like doesn't mean I don't still love you. No matter what, I still wanna hold you in parentheses. Happy Wednesday. visit, yes?

Friday, May 16, 2008

An Open Letter to Tori Spelling

Dear Tori Spelling,

Happy 35th Birthday, Tori, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You've really come a long way since you charmed the pants off Screech as dorky vixen Violet Bickerstaff. Oh, Torz, now that I've said my warm wishes and have your attention, I kind of have some things I'd like to get off of my chest.

First of all, Tori, you're really crawing all up in my shiz lately, and I've pretty much had enough. The thing is, Tori Spelling, that I was perfectly happy with you on 90210. The tunnel that lay between your Mississippi sized breasts served as the perfect dramatic foil for Steve Sanders' optomistic wisdom slash boyish charm. You were the dyslexic virgin who loved puppies and got beat down by Ray Prewitt before his career flashbanged on that other Fox classic, The Heights (how exactly does "How Do You Talk to An Angel" still manage to creep into my head every three months or so like clockwork?). You wore the stupid mermaid dress to the spring formal with charm and you were the most philanthropic of all the sisters in the Alpha house. You made puking at the prom cool again. When the producers threw a stupid half sister at Donna, you didn't even flinch. You had the world's lamest bachelorette party attended by Andrea, Mrs. Teasley, and your mom, and you made the best of it. Oh, Tori Spelling, you did me just fine at good old West Beverly and subsequently California University and then post-college life beyond. Oh, and you know what I freaking LOVED? The made for tv movies you used to rock. Mother May I Sleep With Danger? Um, yeah you can, because that movie was AWESOME! You know what was to die for in A Friend to Die For? Your performance! And, come on: Co-ed Call Girl? I'm sure it was your work that inspired Governor Spitzer and so many others.

But, Tori, now that we are on the outside and out of the vicinity of the Peach Pit, your presence, well, it's overkill. I get that you were super rich and then your dearly departed dad only left you a tenth of his zillions. I understand that your mom was tanning your formative years away and you were stuck bowling in your house's private alley with only your dopey brother Randy to keep you company. I know that you married some skeez, left the skeez, then stole some other skeez from his wife and that made for a really good story for People magazine. But, Tori, I'm over you. I can't watch you open another bed and breakfast with your husband or birth another child on E! I can't bear another article in Us about your yardsales or your ebay store or your baby's ubertrendy nursery. I've seriously had it.

And now, Tori, I hear that 90210 is spinning off into sequeldom. If I can use a little candor here, Tori Spelling, I don't want you back. It doesn't make sense. Kelly Taylor is welcome to be the new guidance counselor. I am perfectly fine with Nat serving up pies to the new gang. Hell, Emily Valentine can even ride in on her bike and sing "Addicted to Love" at the opening assembly, but, Tori, I want you to stay the hell away from the zip code. You have oversaturated my life, and it's time for you to say peace out, and show up on Celebrity Fit Club in 2012. You're Mrs. David Silver, for godssake. Show a little pride here.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. I really used to enjoy comparing the oddly distinctly different sizes of your two nostrils. But, that was then, and this is get the hell off of my tv.

I hope the impending birth of your child goes smoothly.

Oh. If you ever see Luke Perry, please tell him I'll call him.

Thanks for listening, Tor.


the this blog is eggsalady family

hey - go here, Tori: They'll treat you right.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Libidinous Utopia Version 11.0

It's a very special day, indeed. Today, of all days, you and I are allowed to get down and get nasty, and there is no shame in our desires. For, today, our technology dreams come true. Our arousal codes are enacted, and our search engines are all kinds of fired up. Yes, yes, yes: it has been fourteen days since our thirsts have been quenched; it has been far too long since we have visited our coders of love. But, it is finally time, once again, to visit that salacious day of heavenly tingles: Sexy Programmer Thursday.

Today's lust sandwich with extra yum on the side is a different kind of programmer. Our featured lovah has not reinvented the wheel, creating some unnecessarily newfangled code that the world simply did not need. No, no: today's beefaroni simply made bazillions by getting us - the average you and Is of the world - to author his work for him. Today's highlighted fleshfest had a brilliant idea, geniusly used the already created brilliant idea the wiki (and fine-tuning it ever so finely, I might add), and created the largest mass-written information source on the entire planet. That's right, I'm talking about Wikipedia inventor Jimmy "Jimbo" Wales. Love it or hate it, you wish you thought of Wikipedia, which is singlehandedly changing the way nearly each and every Internet user finds quick and easy probably usually mainly accurate information, and, besides all that, none of us can fault Jimbo for being so damn sexy. Mmmm. So, today we take a respite from the straight up coding dream machines of the world, and we are paying homage to a different brand of programmer. Today we shall lust after a Wikiwack Wale Tale.

I know you're sweating, too - that's right; it's hot in here. You're parched; I'm parched, and we all know from the sexy Wikipedia entry on dehydration that it's time to get a little quenching up in this piece. Well, here are a few SALACIOUS SIPS of our mouthwatering drink, Jimmy Wales. Don't drink too fast, or your head'll spin. Now, ladies and gentlemen. Grab a straw and suck this down. Enjoy.

1) That's right, Jimmy: Knowledge is Sexy - Growing up in Huntsville, Alabama, our h-h-h-hottie went to school in a one room schoolhouse with three other kids in his grade (is there any doubt who the classroom stud was?!), and he loved to get his lusty learn-on poring over the volumes of World Books and Encyclopedia Britannicas in the school. While undoubtedly no tome in his possession back in the day would have an entry for the Mr. World pageant, Wikipedia does, and though Jimbo isn't a contestant, he's my sexy write-in candidate for the job. I can't think of a more smokin' representative in all the land. You've already won the title in my private contest, Jimmy.

2) Oh, Jimmy: I'll gladly be stranded with you on an island - anytime, anywhere - He's a man after my own affections. You know what he isn't? He isn't one of those wah-wah-the television-is-rotting-all-of-our-brains- buzzkillers. No - our Wondeful Wales enjoys the tv, and he's a Lostaholic, too! His amazing Wikia community even hosts a super awesome Lost site. My mind is literally numb right now imagining the scenario in which I am sitting back, theorizing on Lost theories while Jimbo is simultaneously theorizing on Lost theories, and I am theorizing on Jimbo's own Lost theories. It is too much to even consider. Does Jimbo think Ben is really a good guy at his very core, just as I do? Does Jimbo believe that Sawyer is too good for Kate, just like I believe in my heart? My mind wobbles. All I know is, there is yet more proof that my next last name is meant to be Wales.

3) Jimmy, my love: You are solely responsible for hands-down the most entertaining Wikipedia entry in the history of Wikipedia entries. Consider this, my friends: this is on his very own invented website. I know you'll love this as much as I do. I'll just let you read this excerpt and enjoy: "Wales had a brief relationship with Canadian journalist Rachel Marsden that began after Marsden contacted Wales about her Wikipedia biography. After accusations that Wales' relationship constituted a conflict of interest, Wales announced in March 2008 on his Wikipedia user page (and later to his personal blog) that there had been a relationship but that it was over and that it had not influenced any matters on Wikipedia. In return, Marsden, who claimed to have learned about the breakup by reading about it on Wikipedia, turned to eBay and listed for auction a T-shirt and sweater which she claimed Wales left behind at her apartment." That's right - our lothario broke up with her on Wikipedia. And then she did this:
I love lovers' spats. Especially when they end up with my lovemuffin Jimmy a single man.

4) Dear, sweet Jimmy: All we care about is you, yet all you care about is everyone else! - Our resident humanitarian hotness simply wants to impart some knowledge. Is that so wrong? If anything about Jimmy is wrong, we don't want to be right. You know what is right? What Juicy Jimmy wants you to know. He says, "people need to have access to fundamental neutral information to empower them to make better decisions politically, in their own personal lives." Well, Wales for Pres, I say! And, Wales in my own person life, too, please! Gulp!

5) Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy: you hot bearded young thing of the MTV generation. You're best friends with a former Real Worlder - and not a lame one like Trishelle or Puck or CT, but Irene, the curly haired one who had lyme disease and left the show with her teddy bear floating in the cold waters of Seattle, but with her pride in check and her head held high. You know what Irene says about our Jimbo? This: "He can meet somebody really fancy and he could meet somebody who nobody would recognize and tell the story as if it's the same." Here's what I'm thinking: Jimmy - howsabout you come meet me. I'll give you a story to tell. And, don't worry - I don't even have lyme disease.

I could go on and on about our joyous Jim. I could edit and re-edit my entry. But, I'll leave you to do your own searches for our Wikiking. All hail Wonderful Wales. He brought Sexy Programmer Thursday back with the thunder. And, we thank him for that.

visit here, alright?:

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I need you, and you need these.

I've been missing you, you know. I mean it, kid. Things just haven't been the same without you. this blog is eggsalady is getting a little spring cleaning itch, and, as such, there might be a little superficial and spiritual overhauling around the corner. But, since I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, I decided to make an appearance to let you in on a little advice that you really need to heed quickly, and I mean seriously lickety-split like.

If you're like me, you've got approximately fifteen dollars burning a hole in your Calvins, and you're jonesing for a little ebay lovin' capped off by outbidding Arizona75 and then a very special kinky highbidder climactathon. I'd never forgive myself if I didn't let you in on these gems. I'm afraid to tell you that we already missed out on the Star Jones paper dolls last week that slipped through our pathetic clammy fingers like dew on the petals of our morning after regret. So go scoop up your dignity, grab your Discover card and allow yourself this pleasure. You deserve it.

Here are the top five things on ebay that you need to bid on right this second.

1) For the low low Buy It Now price of $12.99, you can be the proud owner of a freaking brilliant always apropos librarian-themed humor t-shirt appealing to the horny booklovahs in all of us, featuring the rofl-iest brand of librarian humor to which you will ever subscribe. This hiLARious shirt is listed as "Librarians Have Nice Buns T-Shirt Large Funny Joke." Truer words have never been spoken, for this is a funny joke, indeed. This is a large funny joke. This is a large funny t-shirt. Librarians. Buns. Hahaha. Classic.

2) Let's face it. We've all been stuck in that moment, fumbling for the words that never come, left with sweaty palms, watery eyes, and pounds of regret. Luckily, I have found some help for our in- the-interest-of-full-disclosure-needs, and that help comes straight from the adorable mouth of punchy Dr. Ruth herself. Instead of spending $3.68 on your noontime Big 'N Tasty with Cheese, why don't you spend that money on some priceless education highlighting the delicate techniques of spilling the beans on your herps. That's right: it's the Dr. Ruth's Guide to Talking About Herpes. It's a useful guide; it's a lovely addition to your coffee table collection. It's priceless.

3) I cannot believe this is only ten effing dollars. How many nights have you been playing the your Jordan Knight doll is on a romantic dinner date with your Hillary Duff doll game when your Chewbacca doll comes in and eats Hillary and Jordan is left sad and dateless and you are sitting there thinking, "if only I had a Marcy Darcy doll to dry Jordan Knight doll's tears"? I know. I've been there more than I like to imagine, too. But, now you can own your own "Mego Style Married With Children Marcy Darcy" eight inch doll of your very own! Seller toy_collector_1954 reveals that the Marcy doll has "sixteen points of articulation", and that's fifteen points more than I feel we deserve! Bid fast, my friends. This baby won't last long.

4) Seriously. This is like my husband's dream come true. It's a calendar called Treasure Chests, and never has a calendar been more aptly named. You see, this $9.99 1969 prize features a baker's dozen boob freaks of nature. I wish I could flash all that this well endowed bounty has to offer. Alas, this is a PG rated site, and the jubblybonanza that fills these pages is not safe for the kiddies. You'll see ladies with three boobs; you'll see ladies with five boobs. You'll see ladies with boobs on their heads and ladies with boobs on their butts. It's awesome.

5) The Biden/Thompson Power Pack. That's right - this baby's bid starts at ninety nine cents, and that's ninety nine cents of heaven. I have no need to collect any other '08 Topps dreamboat candidates, because I'm getting the Fred Thompson / Joe Biden Manmeat sandwich. Fighters in the political ring - they're lovers in my heart. Trade 'em with friends? P'shaw! These suckers'll be pinned to my bra 'til the day I die.

I'm glad to see you again. I have many more suggestions to come, but, my eyelids are heavy and my lenses misty from our joyous reunion. Now let's go bid like we've never bid before. Mmkay. Love you.

I don't know. Maybe we should still click:

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Saving Up To Bring You Twice the Sexy

this blog is eggsalady is on a teensy sabbatical; thus, the most delectable weekly feature on the web is on break until next week. But sit tight, techielusters: next week's featured programmer is twice as hot as ever before - and that is a guarantee! Just wait until you see the hotness to come - if you can handle it!

until then,
tbis oh - and, visit here:

Friday, May 2, 2008

Real happiness is: me, you, and three giddy loved ones in gigantic whiteys.

I have been distracted from my sabbatical yet again, but, once more, it is for a crucial reason. You see, I believe in my heart of hearts that tonight I have found the key to true real deal Paula Abdul batshit type happiness, and I would never be able to fall asleep if I did not share the happiness key with you. I don't even remember what I was googling when I came across the happiness holy grail, but it practically knocked me on my ass with delight when I discovered it. This is what I want for my birthday; this is what I will be giving to you on your birthday. All for the low, low price of $19.50 before S&H, we can become the new beacons of world peace together - for, it all starts with five of us. Five of us in a gigantic pair of whiteys. See below:Do you see how blissfully, adorably happy Randy, Hung, Brad S., Scotty, and Mya look standing together in their massive underpants? Do you see how though we can't see inside the whiteys, we just instinctively know that Hung and Scotty's fingers are gently intertwined, metaphorically bridging the gap of years upon years of social injustice? Isn't it amazing that even though Brad S. remembered to pack his hiking boots, tube socks, and his favorite striped Izod for the shoot, he inadvertently forgot to wear his shorts, thereby causing Hung's endearing cheshire cat grin to be unleashed upon all of our hearts and forever stamped in our brains? Aren't we all pleased to see that Mya's expression isn't even the slightest twinge bitch,pleaseish at all, though she came to the shoot thinking she'd be the only female present only to look over and see Randy in all Randy's estrogen laden glory there crashing the manmeat fiesta, too? None of it matters! For, all is forgiven when you are standing with your homies in humongous creepy dad briefs.

It's harmony, brothers and sisters, and it can be ours. If you can't wait for my present to you to arrive, order your spare pair here: Archie McPhee. I can't wait to stand in whiteys with you, forging our way to world peace, love, and prosperity.

for now, please click me gently, right here. you won't regret it.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Smokin Hot Senior Version 10.0

It's a crazy, specially-seasoned-longer-for-extra-hot-hot-hotness-edition of Sexy Programmer Thursday! Today we are honored to present one of the gilfiest techies upon whom any man or woman has ever laid an unworthy pair of eyes. He is such a smokin hot trailblazer on such a smokin hot day that our programming pioneer almost convinced me to devote an entire month to his cause. He is a tasty bite of fruit, ripened-oh-so-right; he is an early bird special at our most ravenous time of need. He's a master programming class in a sea of Typing 101s. He is our oldschool bite of babe.

Who is this beacon of retrohunk? Well, fellow lusters, he is simply the inventor of probably the most important attachment your computer has ever met. Your fingers are constantly clicking all over his sultry contributions - that's right, gawkers and droolers: he' s megameat maestro, the inventor of the mouse (and hypermedia, and multiple windows, and command meta language and much, much, muchity much much more) - Darling Doug Engelbart. Like I said - the mouse. You know your dirty little paws are all over that poor little mousy all day, and all of the night. Well, why don't you craft a fancy little letter to Dougie thanking him for your best friend. You owe him, you know.

You want more. You want so much more. He's aged to perfection; he's seasonably matured. He's a full-grown fantasy-fest, and he's right here. Here are a few TEASPOONS OF TASTY, Excellent Engelbart stylee.

1) Our bodacious babe isn't afraid to break a beautiful sweat. Doug the Wonderdrug is into all sorts of physical activity: from folk dancing, to hiking to camping (just imagine pitching a tent with this fox!). He loves sailing and bike riding and exercising of all sorts (I need to sit down; my heart is r-r-r-racing). I'm getting a workout just thinking about Dear Old Doug's steamy moves.

2) Smooth Dougie Doug thinks morning, noon, and night of ways to help the world. Brainiac El Smartington wants to make all of us lesserbrains smarter for the world's greater good. While the rest of us peons are sitting on our dumb butts playing Rock Band at Best Buy during our lunch breaks and downloading BSG spoilers while our Ham and Cheese Hot Pocket is warming in the break room microwave, our supertech is "finding ways to augment mankind's intellect" so people can "increase their capability to solve complex problems." And you never even sent him a thank you card, did you?

3) This erotic earthlover is one with his surroundings. He's a true nature nuzzler - an adorable outdoor Adonis. He raises ducks, earthworms, and bees, and he loves teaching others the scintillating scenarios of science. Oh, to be an earthworm in Dr. Doug's cardboard box. Would that I were a bee in his hive, I'd make only the sweetest honey for my Honey Doug. I'd happily waddle my waddler all over the place for my fresh Farmer. High ho the derry-oh if Farmer Doug is in the Dell. E-I-E-I-Oooooohhhhh.

4) He's got more bling than the most ballin playa. It would take two weeks straight to type out all the awards and honors Dynamic Doug has won in his luscious lifespan. In December, 2000, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton's husband Bill bestowed the highest award for technological achievement the United States has to offer, the National Medal of Technology, upon our dawg Doug. In 1997, My Heart Belongs to Engelbart won the Lemelson-MIT Prize, and along with it, oh yeah, a check for $500,000. You should see his episode of Cribs. It's hella gangsta. And so is Doug.

5) He's so fly he could win the Mr. America pageant on his fly world peace platform alone. That's right - his total drop dead hotness notwithstanding, he just wants us all to get along, for collaboration is the ultimate key to world unity and peace in the eyes of our stud. He wants to build collaborative worldwide communities in order to "advance the evolution of society and its institutions" and "find much better ways for people to work together to make this world a better place." Hey, Darling Doug, come over here: we'll begin our own Hands Across America campaign right in my frontyard. I'll show you ways to collaborate you've never even thought of before.

So, my friends, isn't it obvious why our Master of the Mouse, Doug Engelbart, is this week's fi-hi-hine Sexy Programmer! We aren't afraid to admit: we like our programmers well-seasoned, and you know what? He's cooked to perfection. Doug, my Love, since you have entered my life, I will never again be the same. Engelbart - you've stolen my heart.
cool-down over here: