Saturday, April 5, 2008

Get in shape, girl!

It's a whole new day in the neighborhood, ladies and gentlemen, and you know what? There's some metamorphosizing about to go down in this piece. I am turning over a new leaf. I am about to get physical, physical. We're about to hear my body talk. Talking about not chewing is so played out, but, I'll just quickly tell you that when you don't chew, you are bound to lose a couple of pounds. That's all well and good, but when you eat microwavable macaroni and cheese fourteen times a week (and get your regular workout from playing computer Tetris), even if you aren't actually gaining any weight, still you start to feel a little heavy d and the boyz from making love to the carbs all day. And when I say "you," I mean me.

So, in order to feel a little less dense, I have just taken the liberty of ordering ten workout videos from that celestial sales depository, Naturally, I wanted to show you the ten videos I will be featuring in my perspiration rotation. I can't wait to give you a little input on the pros and cons of each after I have given them a little test drive. Here they are.

1) Dolph Lundgren Maximum Potential - Holy Crap: Ivan Freakin Drago is going to teach me how to pump it up and go all "I Must Break You, Apollo Creed" on that ass? Indeed.

2) Big On Fitness: Full Figure Aerobics - Who better to get my sweat on with than the big girls? Us sisters are doing it for ourselves! Check out Red in the front. She and I are going to gel. I can feel it.

3) Jig Don't Jog: Get Fit the Irish Way - I seriously already dominate the "don't jog" part of this paddy's message. I cannot wait to step into my black jeanshorts, tuck my aqua polo into my panties and get to some highstepping.

4) Go-Go Robics - This is gonna be sooo hot. I have been looking to get my GO GO Goin' for a longass time now. And, mygod, if I am being led by the world famous Poonani Sisters, well, all I can say is wow. Oh. Crap. Does that say Pontani? Crap. I have an order to go change real quick...

5) Milton Berle's Low Impact / High Comedy Workout - Now this is what I'm talking about. Any time I can workout without putting down my afternoon cigar and martini, I'm all over it. It's gonna be me and Uncle Miltie, pumpin it up while yukkin it up.

6) Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam - I am soooo all over this one. My mom wouldn't buy it for me when I was ten, but I'm making my own bank now, and, when a girl's got teen steam, she's gotta let it out. I am going to give you a little present here. You Tube has blessed us with many a gem, but this by far is one of the greatest. It's the very beginning of the actual Teen Steam video, and the very best part is Alyssa Milano's rockin music video kicking off the jams to begin the workout. She reveals: "My parents want an angel, my teachers want a brain, my friends just want to party, and it’s driving me insane." She goes on to say that she "feels the pressure from inside" of her. I believe that it was those very parent pressures coupled with her apparent vaginal pressures that forced her into her goodies bearing Poison Ivy 2 shame. Lyss Mil, I forgive you.

And for you, my dear friends:

7) Dixie Carter's Unworkout: A Sane Way to a Sensational Body - Not only was Julia Sugarbaker the Designing Woman with the most sass, she was also the one with the tightest ass. Sign me up.

8) Chicken Fat - I am so excited for this to arrive. There are only four things I remember from my beloved elementary school music class: 1) Watch out, playas, because if you DARE take my rightful instrument, the triangle, from me, I'll throw a cherry bomb on you later on on the four square court so fast it'll make your head spin; 2) Senor Don Gato was this fly cat who apparently sat on high red roofs and was the finest kitty in not only the country but also the city; 3) head, shoulders, knees, and toes, repeat; 3) the insane music teacher sang "Go you chicken fat, go away. Go, you chicken fat, go!" This explains a lot.

9) Texercise with Irlene Mandrell - As far as I know, there's no porn in our house. This, starring apparently the skankiest of the Mandrell Trio, is a gift for my husband. Ride 'em, Cowboy!

10) I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap featuring Bonnie Franklin - My final selection was a tough one, mainly because I had three awesome candidates that I chose between. Regis Philbin's video didn't make the cut, nor did Shvitz! My Yiddish Workout. Both were very worthy candidates, but, come on: this is Ann Romano kick ball changing in my very own living room. Besides, I envisioned myself pulling the video off the shelf proclaiming, "I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap That Ass" each Tuesday night as I get ready to shim sham shimmy with My Bonnie.

I'll let you know as soon as my videos come in and I give them a whirl. You know what, though? I can already feel the burn, and I like it.

check it:


Alice said...

HOLY CRAP! Those videos are awesome! I think a perfect night would involve one of those bad boys, a Mystery Science Theater-like scenario and la cerveza.

cory said...

Wow! Do you think Alyssa Milano will teach you how to do Kegel exercises?

Alice said...

I'm ashamed...I had to come back to your list to look at Dolph again. *sigh*

julius bloop said...

and i'm ashamed out lecherous that alyssa milano video made me feel.

thank god dixie carter quickly arrived to put my manhood back into noodle form aka "the designing women effect"

NOTE: the designing women effect excludes annie potts.

Freddy said...

I can't wait for your update...especially on the tap dancing one...

what's a donzer said...

Aaah, Alice. I believe it's called SexyDolphamania. It can't be cured. I'm sorry - my thoughts are with you.

Gee, Cory. I can only hope so. If Teen Steam doesn't teach me, I'll just re-rent 1995's Milano classic, Deadly Sins. I think there's pretty clear Kegel action in that one.

I can relate, Julius. Alyssa Milano has certainly made me feel shame on more than one occasion. And, I'm right there with you on the Mary Jo call. Roar!

I'll keep you posted, Freddy. You play your cards right, and I might even send you your own I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap That Ass copy.