Monday, April 7, 2008

Octopi: They're Just Like Us

As I was already donning my Superintendent Superior cape tonight, naturally I cruised on over to the my regular haunt, Scientific American online (or SciAm, to those of us smartarians in the know). Ready for a little Sunday night intellectualizationing, you can imagine that I was rocked to my core when upon my arrival, I read this headline: "News Bytes of the Week--(Weird Sex) in an octopus's garden. " Scuseme? Weird octopus sex? Okay. I'll bite.

I learned so many enthralling factoids about those kinkity little cephalopods (and, I'll point out, I delved further into the habits of the octies at several other Smartie Vander Smartsen sites). University of California marine biologists uncovered the inner perv in some eight legged freaks indigenous to the beautiful reefs of Northern Indonesia. I found that these oddball Octopodes really aren't all that different than many of the strangeass species we see living in our own human society today.

Take a look:


The female octopus is a bit of a slut. - The female Abdopus aculeatus apparently has no problem sharing her fortune cookie with any boy octopus that crosses her path. Huh. You go, liberated octoladies of the 2000's! Let your hoochie flags fly!



The male octopus can be stalker crazy. - Apparently many male octopussies selected one sexy lady friend and then guarded her den for days, strangling any other males that happened by the path of the female octy. When they could get close to the females, they'd remove the sperm of their rivals from inside their harlot honeys. Then, when the stalkers weren't checking their female stalkvictim's Facebook and MySpace pages 800 times a day, they'd display their bright body stripes to fend off other octopuses and stake their claim of the octopus flower of their desire. Wow, guys. We must protect this house, eh?

The male octopus can also be a crossdressing libidinous freak. - Other male eightarms swam low to the ground in a female fashion hiding their male stripes, and manifesting feminine stripes to confuse (confuse? turn on; what' s the difference?) male passersby as well as their female prey. Then, they would swoop in, catching the lusty ladies off guard, and complete a octopal sex fantasy lasting up to six times longer than their more masculine competition could handle. This looong lasting lovin usually produced thousands of future octy freaks, but, sadly, the mommy and daddy miscreants were so worn out that they usually died within months.


Both male and female octopi are frequent freaky lovahs. - It's not just fun and games for these crazy creatures; it's their whole life's work. They often get it on several times a day, every day. Cue the sweet melodies of the porny music; it's getting hot in here.





There's so much more about these sexy mollusks that we have yet to learn. I'm just here to inform. I'll keep you posted on any latebreaking octonews as I learn it. I'm glad you could get a little educating into your day as I did.

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8 comments:

Steph said...

Wow. Um. Excuse me, I have a date with my adult toy box now...

what's a donzer said...

I can only assume that steph is referring to this: www.bizviet.net/tradeoffer_138879/

Wowza!

At least I got to donate some money to Hurricane Relief while I was overcome with shame.

Freddy said...

Let those hoochie flags fly! Loved it. The celebu-seafood pics were a nice touch. TMZ will be jealous you did it first...

Franken Berry said...

I always knew octopuses were dirty. By the way, I wish you had a picture of what Paris pulled out of her bathing suit bottoms!

Bee said...

Ummmm... now I'm worried! I think I might be a male octopussie!

That description was dead on! Specially the sperm part.

kev said...

I am now more afraid of octopus than ever thanks to this post.

ryc: Send Ralph and Kenneth a bill? What an excellent, excellent idea.

Kelley said...

I was eating while reading that. Now I have indigestion. And a little creeped out. And a little horny...

what's a donzer said...

Freddy, me and Harvey Levin agree: Any time a Paris crotch shot can show up is a banner day!

Franken: I'll save that one for a future post!

Haha, Bee. If I can help just one person realize their true identity, I've done the world a service.

Oh, Kev: octopi are only here to love!

I know what you mean, Kelley: nausea is often coupled with horniness in my experience!