Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Hot For Teacher Version 18.0

I know you.  You woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, ready for action.  For, it is that glorious day, that most wonderful day of the week when all of your most private desires materialize before your very eyes.  Hooray!  It is Sexy Programmer Thursday!  It's a very special week here at SPT.   Very soon - if my financial aid and scholarship packages come through that is (criss cross applesauce, now I've got my fingers crossed, please please help, Sexy Programming gods, I appeal to you and your magnificent rods) - I'll be on the road to my very own, in person, real life, actual living, breathing fantasy come true.  You see, I've found the Sexy Programming Teacher who out-sexies all other teachers in the land.  It's Babealicious Billy Hollis, and he's this week's amazingly sexy programmer.

What was I babbling about with all that about praying to the SP gods and the ruckus about the scholarships?  Well, friends, you may need to sit down for this.  Our living dream, Microsoft MVP, trainer of all the developers on the .NET tour (imagine the barometric pressure of hotness on that tour bus!), author of over ten books including the first book ever published on Visual Basic .NET, Billy Hall of Fame Hollis is personally training anyone (ME!ME!ME!) willing to learn, and also write a check, on Microsoft Silverlight, the sultriest, smoothest development platform this side (or any other side) of the Mississippi.  I swear, my access protocol is in absolute overdrive!  Obviously, I'm saving each and every nickel to be personally molded by the hands of the Hollis.  Truthfully, I'm a beginner, and this Beginner can't wait to experience that All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code all up on my framework!  Yowza!

I have to admit, this is not my first square dance with the lord of the code.  Bringin'It Billy's sidekick, Rocky Lhotka, was a former Sexy Programmer himself back in the '08.  Ever since Rockin Lhotka graced the hallowed halls of SPT, I just haven't been able to get his yummy partner out of my mind.  His very scope encapsulates all that is the sex in a sexy programmer.  But, my exhaustive search for Billy's favorite Slow Jamz and also his underwear size have been completely in vain.  I've found virtually nothing on my dream man. I know that he lives in naughty Nashville (only approximately 243.8 miles from my house!  Let the drive-by stalking commence!)

Until I meet him in person and probe him about his favorite jello flavor (here's hoping it's lemon lime!) and whether he's allergic to any medications, we have the words from his Silverlight Synopsis to keep us warm at night.  Let's sample some of the sexy sweet-nothings he's suavely streaming:
  • "You’ve never made a transition like the one you are about to make." - Oh my God.  Are your thighs quivering, too?
  • "But getting access to [this sexy programmer's] power requires overcoming a double-barreled challenge." - I'd like to overcome his double-barrel for access to that power, if you know what I mean!
  • Also, included on the class syllabus, this little Billy double entendre':  "Brief overview of additional capabilities (time permitting)" -  I can't wait to view those additional capabilities right over me.  Oh, yeah.  Time will be permitting, I can assure you that.
Since real life Wild Billy Hollis has provided mere teasers into his soul, it's time, once again, for my fantasy Billy to come to life.

"Just look at the legions of panty-droppers over there trying to catch a glimpse of this denim on denim combo.  Do you think this tan backdrop brings out the so-called proverbial 'butt-cut' in my bangs?  By the way, if you thing my bangs are curly..."
"'cause I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is covering my chin zit!"
 "Fortune and glory, kid.  Fortune and glory.  It kinda looks like I am inexplicably checking my email, sitting in a Hoveround dressed in my full Indiana Jones regalia while adjacent to the Supreme Court building in the middle of a clear Tuesday evening.  I am.  And I'm still a mother-load of sexy, pal." 

"Woh oh woh.  I'm a galaxy defender..."

All right.  Once again, I'm overheating.  Time to call if a day and go visit the old savings and loan to appeal for fundage for Silverlight Sexyfest '10.   Save your pennies, and maybe you can join me.  Until then, we'll always have Ballin' Billy Hollis, Sexy Programmer 18.0.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Guest column: An Open Letter to Disney from Your Has-been, Mulan

Dear Disney,
How are you?  I am fine.  I've been keeping really busy lately with a lot of new interests like my embroidery and my scrap...oh, who am I trying to kid?  I'm not fine.  Frankly, I have been pretty down in the dumps lately - not that I'd expect you to notice.  I guess I'm writing because there are some things I really need to get off my chest, and I feel like you owe it to me to listen.

Disney, you've become so distant lately.  We used to spend so much time together.  You used to call me your exotic Eastern arm candy, and you paraded me around with you everywhere you went.  I starred in my very own Happy Meals (the cardboard box kind, too, not the completely chintzy lame paper bag version).  I was a supporting cast-member of the immensely popular Milton Bradley board game Monopoly Junior.  I was an adorable luggage set recalled by the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission for containing dangerously high levels of lead. I was a Pez, for God's sake.  A Pez, Disney.  Oh my God.  Seeing the words in print just makes me feel so cheap.

But, then my world changed.  It's like I just disappeared from your life.  You traipse around with your harem of beautiful princesses all over God's green earth, yet I am nowhere to be found.  Whenever I walk into the Dollar Tree to pick up my nonabrasive powdered cleanser (just $1!  That's an amazing deal!), there's Aurora peering around from the novelty item aisle, staring down her pointy little lilywhite nose at me.  Do you have any idea how that feels?  And when I go to Wal Mart to get my Rollback on,  all I can see is catty little Snow White and her snotty homegirl Belle acting like they don't even know who I am.  And don't even get me started on your fresh-faced new little superstar, Tiana.  Oh, no.  Everywhere I turn, she's there.  You don't think that hurts?   

And then, the other day I'm all, "What am I going to be for Halloween this year?" and then I'm like, "I know what I'll be!  I'll be ME!" so I clicky clicky online to (and to, like, fourteen other costume websites, BTW) to find the perfect Mulan costume, and who should I find?  Well, I'll tell you.  I find Ariel and Jasmine and Tiana and Belle and Alice, dammit, and Tinkerbell and Aurora and Snow White and Cinderella - do you see where I'm going with this?  Yeah.  Guess who I couldn't find?  That's right.  No Mulan for the taking.  And, that's on you, Disney.

But you know what stings the most?  It's when I walk into my former safe haven - the place that always smelled like mom's home cooking mixed with the world's most cuddly hug - the Disney Store (yeah.  A store can smell like a hug.  I guess you take that for granted, though.)  Where in the hell am I to be found in the Disney store?  I'll tell you where:  nowhere, unless - Oh God - I'm standing there behind, like,  Pocohantas on...oh God... on clearance.

Do you even remember who I am, Disney?  Dammit, Disney!  I'm only the single-most heroic female character that has ever emerged from Disney animation.  Back in '98, I was the shiz, Diz.  You tried to build me up, lumping me into the "princess" category (you just knew that would play directly to my fragile id, didn't you?) even though I wasn't officially born into royalty.  No, unlike your little minions Cinderella and Ariel, I earned my status as a royal.  Yeah.  I only saved my entire homeland from THE MOTHERFREAKING HUNS while single-handedly rescuing THE EMPEROR OF CHINA!  Maybe you've heard of my homeland - located in Asia, Earth's largest and most populous continent, China is home to  nearly one and a half billion people.  Perhaps you thought there weren't enough Asians kids on the planet in need of a completely empowering role model capable of washing off her makeup, duct-taping down her boobs, and kicking some ass?  Yeah.  I can see that.

Come ON, Disney.  Wake up!  I was this close to calling HR about this situation, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt.  Are you going to surprise me by announcing that we're going into production of Mulan 3, thus introducing our worldwide media-blitz the likes of which your elite "Big Three" princesses have never seen before?  Just tell me, Disney:  When will I be on a Pull-Up?  I want my chance at being doused in both numbers one and two by little girls worldwide.  I'm begging to be soaked in piss here. You've humbled me, alright?

Let me give you a little perspective.  Do you know how many Facebook friends I have?  I'll tell you.  As of this second:  110,707.  And your darling Snow White?  63,281.  What about skanky little Aurora (as Sleeping Beauty)?  A piddly 60,348 friends.  Embarrassing. 

Anyway, Disney.  I just needed to unload.  I'll be waiting anxiously for your response (and also my reappearance into society on panties, pencil cases, and parasols).  Hit up your Asian star - no, I'm so much more than an ethnic label (though clearly an ethnicity your corporation is sadly and obviously by and large ignoring completely) - hit up your Everywoman (who happens to literally kick ass) with an explanation.  I can't wait to read it.


Monday, July 26, 2010

A Special Request.

Once a man read the Eggsalady blog.
But he said his mind becomes a fog!
"Your posts are too long!"
"Not at all like your schlong,"
 I retorted, then petted my dog.

+ editor's note - In the professional blogging system, criticism based offenses are considered especially heinous. In TBIE, the dedicated blogger who painstakingly writes these posts is (not) a member of an elite squad, known as the GFY Unit. These are my stories.

 ++ editor's second note - If you were that reader alluded to in above limerick (or anyone who shares his opinion), don't read the previous post on this blog entitled something something blah Little Golden Books blah.

+++  editor's final note - Alas, in the previous post, I actually did try to add a jumpcut.  It didn't work.  So, it's super long.  The opposite of that aforementioned (um, fictitious) schlong.  Adieu. 

Little Golden Books Can Teach Us So Much.

Once upon a time, in a wondrous and magical land

lived a lovely mommy and a handsome daddy.
They were so wonderfully, joyously happy that everyone called them
The mommy and daddy loved each other so very much that one day
their magical love made an angelic little baby girl named Lindsay.

And, my goodness, was that little Lindsay ever precocious!
Why, she could be a star! So Mommy had a wonderful idea!

the family hitched their

to their little shining star?

So they did.

And, they moved to a faraway land, but - boy howdy -
Mommy and Daddy did not know that they were moving their family to the

And, holy tomatoes, if the whole lot of them didn't get lost in that crazy new land!

And our Lindsay began to get
for her little britches.
And everyone thought that our gal really ought to mind her

Jeepers! Did she ever act out! Sometimes all we saw was a

Oh, my!
But, our friend Lindsay would just say

Boy, oh boy, was she ever acting like a
And, soon, our little

Uh oh!

sweet Lindsay wanted to
Soon, she had a 
in every city.  The poor dear was a mess!
What a

 At the same time, our friend decided she no longer wanted a
For, she had decided to be a happy
(not that there's anything wrong with that!)
Well, our girl's behavior was getting her into a jam, because she wasn't acting like a

And, one night, she got in a really big pickle.  Instead of finding
 she played 

and got in a really big mess!

 What a sad tale!  But, that sweet family
and every night I say my
 that that sweet family will live happily together again.

The End.