Monday, April 28, 2008

It's Time for Some Educating.

A wise women once believed that children are our future. So very, very profound, and yet so dead-on. I'm such a firm supporter of this esoteric theory that I went ahead and spawned some future of my very own. I like to call her Cornflake, and, apparently unlike another mother who requires a village for her kid-raising, I'm not afraid to admit I like to pimp her out, a dollar a hug. Anyway, the result of my reproduction with my babydaddy is going to turn one in just a few short days, and, as such, I feel it's time to get some book learnin' on in this piece. It's high time she smarted up a little bit, so, for her first birthday, I pulled out the old Mullatio Enterprises company card and purchased ten works of classic children's literature to begin her tutelage. I thought I'd share with you the texts she will receive come Friday, her big oh-one.

1) Ten Fat Sausages - You know, it's never too early to learn about the old kielbasa, and this book illustrates a veritable festivale of sausage, and not the skinny kind, but the full-on thickity-sized hella substantial sausage. It's a tenfold meatdream celebration, and it's amazing.

2) Thar She Blows - This is interesting. I don't know a lot about this one, but, the title just grabbed me. I wonder if it's illustrated.

3) Fat Puss and Slimpup - What a hilarious combo! It's a fat puss! It's a slim pup! One's awkwardly large, and the other is alarmingly narrow! Imagine the hijinks that could ensue! It's pure comedy genius!

4) The Curtain Went Up, My Pants Fell Down - I can't be positive, but I think I first heard about this one on Paul Reuben's website. It's such a timeless scenario, really.

5) Ball Games - Playing with balls is a sport, of course, and this tome presents a plethora of techniques and tips for optimum success at ball entertainment - for the sportsman in all of us.

6) A Hole at the Pole - It's tremendously useful to know the location of the pole. Likewise, one should realize that often the pole meets up with a hole. You could call it a geography lesson, if you wish.

7) A Hole in the Hedge - I assume this is the second installment in the Hole series; this social studies lesson teaches the reader that there is another hole - a hole in one's hedge - and that's a lesson everyone should understand.

8) Jan's Big Bang - I don't know. This one came free when I bought nine other books. I hope it's good.

9) Get Busy, Beaver! - I'm all for positive motivational messages. This book seems to encourage action, and that's always a plus.

10) Little Treasury of Snatch - Last but quite obviously not least, I am a sucker for a bargain. This text humbly presents not just one tale, but an entire treasury of adventures. We are sure to cherish this one for years to come.
So, happy birthday, Little Cornflake! May I teach you only the most important lessons in all your years to come!
Here's an important lesson to learn - Click here:!


Mat Garretson said...

If my kids were ONLY that young. I know what books I'd be buying them. Waaay too funny.

cory said...

Don't be fooled by Thar She Blows... its a real downer.
I was really excited to read it but halfway through I felt like the author was just going through the motions. The plot dragged along and there was no real climax to speak of. Definitely a let down.

damon said...

I had no idea there was a book on snatch. I knew about Puss in Boots, but was too young to appreciate it. Let me know how it goes with 'Thar She Blows', or maybe I'll just rent the DVD.

Mother Theresa said...

Looks like Cornflake will have a very, um, interesting education. ;)

Freddy said...

I love Get Busy Beaver and Treasury of Little Snatch....Hope the porn moguls don't read your post...they are always looking for fresh titles!
One of my favorite child books is Everybody Poops.
Cornflake will be the smartest child in her school!

Bee said...

Fat Puss and Slimpup are in therapy after Fat Puss went to see A Hole at the Pole. Nobody really knows what happened.


You need to add this book to your children's library. It's about a mole who gets crapped on and looks for the culprit by comparing animal feces samples to what landed on his head.

It's very important if you want to raise your kid to go into the field of Poopology.

Alice said...

Is it too late to get in on Mullatio Enterprises while it's still on the ground floor?

For a real education, get the Geoge and Martha book where George looks in on Martha while taking a bath. What a perv.

what's a donzer said...

I don't know where I've been. This sabbatical is killing me. Anyways - long overdue -

Mat, I think the Treasury of Snatch is for kids of ALL ages.

Cory, wow. I was hoping it would be something I could really sink my teeth into.

Damon, I'll come to you with the full report. I hope it doesn't suck.

Mother (I like that, by the way) - better we teach her than those crazy teachers at school, right?!

Oh, Freddy, my kindred spirit. Everybody Poops is classic literature for the ages.

Bee, I just spit up a little pudding. And, I liked it.

Elastic, I am SOOOO all over it. Gracias, my friend.

Alice, I want you in Mullatio, please. Your go get'em attitude is perfect for the ME brand. And, that vixen Martha was the real pervelson, I hear!