Saturday, April 12, 2008

I guess you're just checking my references?

Dear Zaxby's,

I am writing in reference to my recent job application with your esteemed company. I have to assume that you have not responded to my proposal because you are busy checking my references. Or, perhaps you are a little tied up dealing with the current divas of your freakin awesome campaign, Lorenzo Lamas and the dad from Family Matters. I totally understand; I wouldn't expect any less from my future employer (and this'll be quite a story for me to tell in December at the company Christmas party!).

If you need a little refresher, Zax, I am appealing to you as a completely untapped corner of your market: I would like to be your non-chewing representative. Zax to tha B - I'd like to appear on one of your hella fresh super mad honest commercials extolling my heartfelt lovity love for your product - with a twist. As I can no longer chew your heavensent fingers o'chicken and their delicious companion the crinkly fries of paradise, I would like to approach the American public with the Zaxby's wave of the future. I would like to be the face of the Blended Zaxby. Please allow me, dear Zax, to toss your delicious Fingerz, crinkle Friez, and perfectly perfect Zax Sauce® into a blender and drink the sublimity into oblivion. I am the face of your future, Zaxby's. I am your liquified chicken/potato/secret sauce embodiment, personified.

Here's the thing, Zax: I couldn't help but notice two all new Zaxby's representatives today during my Judge Judy power hour. Touche', Zaxby's: score one for you on 1996 America's Sweetheart, squeaky voiced gymnast, Kerri Strug. Touche'. I couldn't help but notice she was chewing your product. Whatevs. But, Zaxbizzle: Laurie from Trading Spaces? I mean, was Vern Yip taken? Doug was too busy wallpapering a powder room? Frank was upholstering an ottoman in pretty purple vinyl? And, yeah, Zaxby's: Ms. Laurie was chewing. I don't know if you were trying to rub it in, Zax, my love, but, it stings. It stings.

I have to believe that you are still putting together the perfect proposal for your newest spokesmodel, the this blog is eggsalady nonchewer. I'll be patient for you, Zaxby's. But, you know, I just don't want you to miss this golden opportunity. I love you. Can't wait to hear from you soon.
While we all wait, how about visiting here:


Kelley said...

They would be crazy not to take you up on your offer. I mean, the population is getting older and there are a shit load of people getting up to the triple numbers... and with that real estate they bought back in the 30's will be worth a ton. They could all sell up and move to retirement 'villages' and want a Zaxby to provide their meals. It is only a matter of time before McDonalds hears of this and they will run with it.

And besides, it is much easier to drive and drink your lunch than try to eat chicken and fries.

Alice said...

My sister is just outside of Atlanta and could be your co-non-chewing blender rep. asst.

Freddy said...

I'd hire you in a heartbeat!...Just make sure you don't end up behind the counter there...I'm guessin it's MAJOR Chicken Retail Hell....

what's a donzer said...

I agree, Kelley. Drinking every meal is the wave of the future. I appreciate your support,

Alice, have your people call my people. I think this is a serious moneymaking venture we have on our hands.

Freddy, I think you are right. I'll happily drink chicken cartilage, but having to prepare it probably isn't my cup of tea.