Friday, April 18, 2008

An Open Letter to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, Urban Dictionary Style

I am so all up in Urban Dictionary's grill, and so is my hellish amigo Freddy at Retail Hell Underground. So, today's post, an open letter to two of the most gimongous mental titans blessing society today - Ashlee (My Sister's the One with the Huge Tigs Simpson) and Pete (If You Know Who I am You're Probably Eleven) Wentz - will be written Urban Dictionary stylie. If you need an interpretating hand, consult Urban Dictionary.

Holla, Ashlee and Pete,

Big ups atcha on the bleh of informantics about your upcoming nuptials. I can’t think of anything that makes me more happistatic in the entire damn Gina multiverse than you two asspuppets getting pre-divorced. Ever since I lurnaged the hearitating news that you were bone smugglin', my mornernoonernings have been tight as cheese. For realz, Ashlee Simpson, it's like, ever since you dropped your joint on our earzizzles about living in the shadow of someone else's teetz, I felt all, oh-em-gee, that psychic-hooch just mean-mugged the window into my fricken soul. And then, when you schooled the holio solar system about how you'd never go rhinoplastic on that ass, and then you totally went rhinoplastic on that ass, it was like the rankest hardcore bitchslap to all the fugs of the land that has ever been jehovahed. You totally pwn fakeassness, and I mean that in the most complimentative fash. Also, I think it's completely dope as hell that your betrothed is a chick Hobbit. Chick Hobbits are so fresh right now.

I would be so wackass not to put on blast the adorabalicious fetus (allegedly) swimming around in your pouch right now. You know, nothing says "I love you, yo" to your unborn spawn like denying its existification to the free world. Rumor has it your sicktodeath molestering padre, Papa Joe Simpson, is pimping out your conceived-under-the-barrel-of-a-shotgun-offsping's story to every gossipublication for a cool million. Whatevs. You've already jacked chumpies worldwide of their precious minutes that they'll never relivify, why not gank all their remaining lunchmoney, too, to learn about your uberlovin fairytale?

Anywiz, good luck chuck. Can't wait to get your damnass bling and your damnass wedding and your damnass spawn shoved down my craw by every damnass crapozine that exists for the next eternity to come.

I'm a bounce.

- Donz

clickz now for the crunkass rimz on this shiz: humor-blogs.com

14 comments:

Freddy said...

LMGDMFAO! Wickedbad! So PORNO! That was damnass billiant. You are the Urban Queen Bitch of the Universe. I am forever your uberloving, molestering, happistatic, asspuppet.
Freddy
Thanks also for the shout out.
word.

Tracy said...

Wat Up G,
Even though I didn't understand most of it, that was amazing!
Has she confirmed that she really is pregnant?

John said...

Wow. That is quite a skill. I don't know how you do that, but that is amazing.

Consider me impressed.

dub-b said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dub-b said...

After reading that, I feel like I just got a pedicure and all of the ladies at the salon were speaking in Vietnamese and I wasn't sure if they were talking about me, but maybe they were because I don't speak Vietnamese and so I don't know what they were saying but they definately snickered and looked in my direction a few times.

Not that I've ever had a pedicure, but that's what I imagine it would be like. And this wasn't completely like that because I at least understood enough to know you weren't writing about me...but I really don't know what you said about Ashlee and Pete.

Bex said...

Foshizzle, yo. My girlz got SKILLZ.

Funny post!

Jinksy said...

Wow.

Oddly enough I think understood most of that.

Urban Dictionary, confusing the frig out of you since 2001.

cory said...

Even though I am a full blooded suburbian, I feel so urban and hip now. Thanks, donzer.

damon said...

Post up 'D, One fantastical read on some blingin catastroph in the makin. She is a hohound fo shizzle, and her baby daddy is off the maental chain wit a weekend pass.

I'm way sickin on it.

d- out

what's a donzer said...

Sweet. Thanks, Freddy. There's no one I'd rather have molestering me than you.

Tracy: Thank you! And, as far as I know, she's still holding out to confirm 'til OK magazine or Asswipe magazine comes through with the cold hard cash to pay for her dramatically uninteresting story.

John: I appreciate it. It's really both a blessing and a curse.

I wish I knew what the deleted comment said. In my head it was a graphic Jessica vs. Ashlee boobs comparison written in iambic pentameter.

dub-b: Actually, when I wrote about the chumpies worldwide jacked of their hard-earned Benjamins on Ashlee's album, I was thinking specifically of you.

Bex: thank you. It's kind of hard to be fluent in ass speak, eh? :)

Jinksy: I am glad. Asses of the world, Unite! I am glad you are in my club.

Cory: As far as I'm concerned, you're the original Suburban Gangsta.

Damon: Freakin awesome.

Bee said...

I ain't no hollah back girl!
Bwahahahah!
HEEL---WAIT FO IT---AIRYOOS!!!

Papa Joe is the poster boy for incest.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

This post was pimpin shiztastic personified!

what's a donzer said...

Thanks, Bee and EWBL. I sooooo agree about Pappy Simpson. Sicko creep. He's the anti pimpin shiztastic!

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