Monday, March 10, 2008

A spoonful of knowledge.

Well, probably a little more inanity than knowledge, but, that's neither here nor there. Apparently 2008 is the year of the footnote, and rumor has it there might be a thing or twelve that I say that causes a little confusification for my BFF, the reader. I guess thanks to Patrillo / McCain 2008 and the Straight Talk Express, mystery is a thing of the past.

So, pals, at the behest of the masses (ahem), here are some Occasionally Asked Questions and their oh-so enlightening solutions.

The name of this fair blog: Is it "this blog is eggsalady" or "this blog is eggs a lady"? Well, reader, I'd say that's open to interpretation. Originally, this blog was intended to epitomize all that eggsalady stands for. I guess I was under the impression that everyone had seen the breathtaking cinematic masterpiece that was robbed of the 1988 Academy Award, Big Top Pee Wee (whatever, Rain Man). Not to give the plot of the powerful film away or anything, but Pee Wee's suitor is trying to impress our stud by making him a picnic lunch, including (but not limited to) an eggsalad sandwich. How's it taste, PW? "Mmm. Eggsalady." To me, eggsalady is, I guess, just pretty sweet. You know what else, though, I realize is pretty frickin sweet? Egging a lady. In my head, that seems like it would be hilarious. So, you know, your choice.

Your name seems a little dumb. What is What's a Donzer supposed to mean? Sigh. This one is, I guess, a little weird to hold on to twenty three years or so later, but Ramona Quimby was always kind of my hero growing up. If you don't know who Ramona is, then you have some serious literature reading to do. Anyhoozle, here comes the pepperjack: I always thought the following story was really endearing (awwwww). You see, in my favorite Ramona book, Ramona the Pest, five year old Ramona gets a little mixed up. I'll let the omniscient answerdeity Wikipedia explain this one to you, as it does a pretty good short and sweet job, and I am not feeling like using the mindpower to paraprase at the moment. Here she is: "[Ramona]decides to impress everyone with what knowledge she [has] and tells her older sister Beezus to get a "dawn-zer" to provide "a lee light" to help Beezus read. This confuses sister and, eventually mom and dad, until they all realize that Ramona has misunderstood the opening lyric to the Star-Spangled Banner: 'Oh say, can you see, by the dawn's early light.' Pretty great, huh?

Did you really name your poor kid Cornflake? Well, that does seem like something I would do, but, no; I didn't name her Cornflake. It's Suri Apple. She kind of issued forth from my womb looking a little like a flake o' corn, and when it's time to awaken, "Wakey wakey, Cornflakey" she doth hear. Hence, Cornflake.

Did you really name your poor dog Timmy? Yes.

Why aren't there pictures of you on this blog? How do I know you aren't a thirty nine year old world-weary convict named Lonnie who is suffering from a case of the doldrums? Hmmm. You're weird, reader. I dunno. It feels a little Jerky Jerksmith being all la la la look at me. Besides, the guys in cell block four would be even more feelsies than normal if I started posting my Glamour Shots all over the information superhighway.

Who and what are the "BSGs"? Good question. Here's a clicky to bring you back to their introduction. If you're lazy and don't feel in the mood to get your click on, in short, the BSGs are part of my core fanbase. They are first-rate computer gurus; they are Battlestar Galactica Gangstas, they are BSGs. They just so happen to be my muses for Sexy Programmer Thursdays, which can be found here and here , if all of a sudden you are ready to let clicking back in your good graces again.

Speaking of Sexy Programmer Thursdays, from where are the SPT candidates plucked? That's easy. Heaven.

How you're not chewing and all: break it down for me. This subject is still a little embryo-ish not to sting. So, I'll explain in haiku, entitled A Dentist Sliced my Lingual Nerve and Diced My Heart.

A Dentist Sliced my Lingual Nerve and Diced My Heart
Goodbye, wisdom teeth
Mygod you just shivved two nerves
Thanks a lot, asshole

What does "there's an ass over my shoulder" mean? It's basic perfection. It's Eden in your backyard. It's a jaunt on a tugboat and a disembarkment at the promiseland. Succinctly, it's Wolf Blitzer. Aaaaahhh.

Well, I'm sure there's more, but I am distracted by Kim Kardashian's heinie at the moment and I can't seem to concentrate on this task at hand. If there's anything else I can clear up, let me know. I'll open up my brainfile of Afterschool Specials and see if I can produce an answer for it. Because, to me, you're worth it. Kisses!


Richard said...

Thanks so much for answering the burning questions that keep me up at night.

I especially appreciate the explanation of how you came up with your blog name. Upon first reading, I was an "eggs-a-lady"s man. But now, whenever I read your blog it will be "eggsalady". May it be forever fresh and tasty!

I have a new found respect for the space bar. It's amazing how much impact that empty real estate has on the words to the left and right.

But you are not the first to create confusion on the interwebs. Consider these domain names that left out the appropriate spaces.

Pen Island, a website for pens has the name

Entertainment talent database firm "Who Represents" has

Experts Exchange, a site that use to be technical forum had

A currency trading site has

Need a good therapist? go to

Mole Station Native Nursery in South Wales use to have the site

The Lake Tahoe Visitor's Bureau has

Interested in natural gas heating in the UK go to

Need electric service in Italy, Power Gen has what you need at

and last on my list, the First United Methodist Church of Cumming, GA has the domain

cory said...

Now every time I look in my browser history, I'll see Thanks a lot, Richard.

Malcolm said...

Although I saw "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", I think I missed "Big Top Pee Wee". After watching James Brolin's masterful portrayal of Pee Wee at the end of the first film, I didn't think that feat could be topped.

what's a donzer said...

Yeah. The space bar's job is so vital. I had visited before. Imagine my disgust when it was all about currency and trading. What a crock!

Malcolm - I have two words to lure you in to the sublime genius that is Big Top Pee Wee: Kris Kristofferson.

BOB said...

I heard your husband likes tube steak.

Katy said...

That Haiku may be the best I have ever read, excluding my prize winning entry to the Department of Defense student journal from when I was 7. On another note - richard may deserve a guest spot on the blog after that turn of genius.

what's a donzer said...

Amen, Bob.

Katy: Is there any way I could get my hand's on that Student Journal? Also, Richard is always welcome. I fear that his Herculean blogging prowess will soon take a turn and he will ask me for a cut of my substantial blogging profits. One can only hope that that day never arrives.

Richard said...

No worries Donzer. I was the student who could get an A+ in music appreciation, but never play an instrument. You're doing all the heavy lifting. You are the artist, the creator. I merely add garnish to the "eggsalady" meal you create and present to the world.

On behalf all your loyal readers, I'd like to ask you to accept this pass to stay in the bloghouse and continue to rock our world. Rock on Girl! Rock on!

P.S. As for the profits, you can keep those. I'll trade them for a better health care and 401(k) plan.

Gette said...

OMG SHowbiz Pizza! Yay!

Joe G said...

Great blog! Would you be interested in a full time job as a writer? (Not a joke, i would like to discuss.)

shoot me an email joe [at] flixster dot com.

Flash Poker said...

I do not trust you