Thursday, March 27, 2008

You give me something, I can hold on to!

Awwww, Shiznitz! You know what today was? Today was one of those days that will be highlighted in my obituary. Today, my heart rumbled, my head rolled, and my loins quivered. Today, I discovered Jenny Jones' website.

My friends, I thought that my radiant beacon who brightened my days for years upon years had abandoned me for dead. Little did I know, she was simply waiting for the day that I would rediscover the sexier, virtual Jenny, and she does NOT disappoint. People, when I opened Jenny's website, I hit the mother lode. Jenny is a veritable knowledge messiah; I kid you not - I can not think of one area of learning that Ms. Jones does not cover - and cover masterfully. To wit: the information superculdesac that is features smackyourass fantastic cooking tips and a for real though? nutrition quiz and a oh no she didn't advice column penned by The Divine Ms. J. herself and Jenny's own soft as a baby's butt made of five other really soft baby's butts 10 Tips For Beautiful Skin and Jenny's I can't believe this is only six steps 6 Step At Home Facial and a has this woman for real not been sainted and/or kidnapped and living in my basement biography and an I dominated all 12 questions on the first try Jenny quiz and a four section no (Alan) Cox allowed For Women Only quadrant featuring nod your head yes pet peeves, lolololololol Is it Just Me?s, you know that's right rules for the sexes, and a when did you yoink my diary, Jenny Jones? man quiz.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! JJ also covers the ups and downs and heys and hos of her amazing talk show and feeds my jones with a Jenny Jones Junkie quiz and whets my whistle with her snappies of like I'm looking at Jenny's soul butterflies and naughty bugs need love too creatures and like Sisqo with wings dragonflies and these rival your innocence, Jenny flowers and you're not crappin us other stuff that looked cool. Was that Ansel Adams? No; that was J. Jones. If you can stand the heat, do some clickin on Jenny's photo album, featuring a plethora of lovely Jenny shots, including (but not limited to) I've already downloaded these from I Tunes Bands Jenny Has Been In, by bad you must mean AWESOME bad hair days and I can't believe you'd tease me with this title Wardrobe Malfunctions. Getcha some live action Jenny Jenny with her how to video series: including my rings now shine like Jenny's eyes "How to Clean Jewelry like a Pro"; that's not the only thing that's open "How to Open a Jar Every Time" and much, much more! Finally, the original riot grrrrrl Madame J's standup schtick is highlighted in Vintage Videos, and lemme tell you: Bob Saget could learn a thing or two about delivery from Jenny's no shite "How to Impress a Woman" bit and her Are you There God, It's Me Jenny "My First Bra" gag. Holy freakin wow.

Anyway, I now know how I will spend the rest of my days. It's me and Jonesy 2gether 4eva. FYI, she posts an online diary, too. At first read, I couldn't remember if it was Jenny writing, or if it was me. Today, she had me at "I'm taking shorter baths to make my pedicure last longer." Hopefully your tub holds two, J, because I'm with you, Jenny. Forever.

after bowing down to the Jenny gods, visit and


Anonymous said...

I knew this day would come, but I didn't know when. I thought that I could be strong, that I could hold on. But as I read this post, I find that there's tear rolling down my cheek and a hole where my heart use to be. The Situation Room will be an empty cold space without you around.

At first I thought, maybe if I hit the gym more often or if I got out the "Just for Men" hair coloring or bought some hipper clothes, I could win you back. But I've moved on from desperation on to acceptance.

My only comfort is knowing that you’re in good hands with Jenny. In reading your post, I can see that she has so much more to offer you than I could ever hope to give. I know that you'll be happy together.


Katy said...

I just wasted 12 minutes of my life on the jenny jones website - minutes that I will never get back. So thank you!

damon said...

Makes me wonder if Ricki Lake ever made it to her goal weight of 325lbs.

Just wonderin.

Freddy said...

I think there is a Jenny Jones intervention in your future...
Jonesing has ruined the lives of many..I think we have a re-hab place here in Malibu called Promises to Cure You of Jenny Jones..

Malcolm said...

The first time I remember seeing Jenny Jones was during her big hair days as a stand up comic. She was pretty funny. Mad TV did a hilarious spoof of "The Jenny Jones Show" in which we saw the show in various incarnations throughout history. Mad TV cast member Mo Collins had Jenny Jones down pat.

what's a donzer said...

W - Pretend as you may on Friday morning that we are finished, calling me three times and breathing heavily into the phone on Saturday simply does not equate. We are forever entwined.

Katy - WASTED 12 minutes? Good one! Best 12 minutes of your life, you mean, eh?

Damon - I hear ya. Something to ponder.

Freddy - I'll never quite Jenny. I gotta have my fix.

Malcolm - Jenny is a gift from heaven, isn't she? Back in the big hair period, I actually remember her from Press Your Luck. Are you with me?

FYI: Her real name is "Janina." Ouch. It reminds me of Mulva.

what's a donzer said...

My husband points out that I will never QUIT Jenny. True dat. My spelling prowess is pretty awesome - my proofreading skills - not so much.