Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It's time for a clean break.

This might be a little awkward. I've never been good with breakups; I am really bad at being the Doctor Doom in any relationship. The thing is - and I am speaking solely on the limited experience of my mostly drama-free past - when the other party on the receiving end of my loveboat becomes just a little bit too touchsies feelsies for my taste, then I begin to feel sorta holy crap get offa me smothered, and I start to get the itchy itchy cold-sweats, and I imagine life without that person, and, you know, I sometimes picture myself walking down the mall hand in hand skipping gleefully along the way to pick up a perfectly salty Auntie Anne's pretzel and medium Coke with someone else.

And, well, this is where the 2008 election comes into play. You may have previously read about the relationship issues I harbor with my betrothed candidate; it seems that said candidate experienced a bit of a popularity ejaculation a short time ago, and, well, I kinda feel that my candidate has perhaps gone from being underground to being quirky to being cool to being needy to being stifling to being insecure and to now having the damn campaign with which that candidate associates e-mail me two sometimes three times a day to donate whatever I can afford (even five dollars - five dollars! - is enough!) to this damn candidate.

I wish the presidential race was more flashbang than goodgod I'm already looking forward to the 2016 candidates because I am already over the 2012 ones. But, you know, no one asked me. But, I would like to officially say this: I remember when I was a young, naive supporter of you, Candidate. You and I were both bright-eyed and happily prancing through the posies, out to change the world. We were idealistic and fancy free. But, it has been sooo many months since we began this battle. I am tired; I am weary, and your damn minions will not LEAVE ME THE FRICK ALONE! I would say that we should still be friends, but, I just don't think that we can leave things that way. We both know that's just too hard.

I wish you well, former candidate. Let's chalk it up to timing. Let's chalk it up to emotional Diff'rent Strokes. (It don't matter that you got, not a lot - so what; they'll have theirs, and you'll have yours, and I'll have mine. And together we'll be fine...) I mean, I really think one day we'll look back at this and laugh. But, just so you know, right now, if your lackey - we'll call him "Aviday Ouffeplay" - e-mails me one more damn time, I'm going to file a restraining order, mmkay?

Anyway, we had a really good run. Good luck with all the obstinate feminine itches that may stand in the way of what you want. I wish you well. Good day.

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damon said...

Gary Coleman for President!
(maybe he can get "the gooch" as his runnin mate?)

what's a donzer said...

Oh, wow, Damon. That is an AWESOME idea! I seem to remember a really sweet Dif. Strokes episode in which Arnold completely tried to sabotage Dudley's presidential campaign so he'd win himself. In the end, both lost out to the school nerd. Of course.

Aaah, the gooch...