Friday, March 7, 2008

And things just when waaay downhill.

Remember a while back when I told you that I kind of have the maturity of a nine year old boy? I may have been exaggerating a little bit for effect. Out of respect to my homie fairness, and since you have been such loyal readers (What up, BSGs!) and all, I need to pony up and reveal that, on the reals, my actual-time mentality might be a little bit more twinsies with a lad around the age of twelve. This fact came to light quite clearly while I was driving back from my local Targetopia today. Picture it: I am cruising along, happily providing background vocals to the smooth sounds of Man Man emanating from my stereo (they really remind me of the Muppet Band, and little Cornflake seems to really dig Muppet-sounding melodies - especially anything in the Rolf family). Speaking of little Cornflake, she was bopping along from her still-backwards-facing car-seat (less than two months til the big switcheroosky - get it, girl!)sucking her right thumb, loving life. All of a sudden, seemingly from out of nowhere, this wanker in a sporty black automobile swoops in and cuts us off all abruptlike as wankers are wont to do. Instantly my mouth flew open and I shouted (cleverly), "Hey, Jerk, in your Audi TT." And that is when I just started giggling, and giggling uncontrollably. I had the full on I am laughing by myself out loud moment, and not because I had just labeled the wanker a jerk. No, no. It was because the guy drives a car I had just called an Audi Titty ( pronounced "teety", naturally. Your car is named after boobs, Wanker!). Oh - that sounded like something your annoying nephew Kevin would say? Yeah. I know. So would I.

So, this got me thinking. There have been many occasions in which my inner Kevin has reared his pimply head and I've snickered at some other Audi TTs of the world. If you have a moment, I'd like to share just a few of them with you. Here are ten stooopid reasons I have had the occasion to turn all twelve year old boy up in here.

1) Long before I was twelve, my I12YOB (inner 12 year old boy, obvs) emerged. My lovely 2nd grade teacher, Miss Sexton - God bless her, was my favorite teacher ever. She had the ingenious idea to make every kid in the classroom buy his own stick of deoderant to fend off any unfortunate early stinkers and she was responsible for singlehandedly bringing about my love and subsequent poster purchase of William "The Fridge" Perry; HOWEVER, sadly, I found it impossible to say her name aloud during the first two months I knew her, and then I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly giggly/embarrassed each time I finally did manage to spit out her surname.

2) This next one's obvious. I think I'll go ahead and stick the picture in so you can say it with me.All together: Hello there, Boner. I mean, really? The nation turns hysterical when Justin Timberlake (allegedly) aids and abets the most famous teeniny covered-nip release in all of history, yet thanks to that family programming paradigm Growing Pains, the name Woody McWooderson becomes a household name - nay - a household institution on a weekly basis?! Regardless of the hooplah, I got a case of the tehees each and every time Richard (we couldn't have gone all the way and used that other euphemistic chortle causer, too?) "Boner" Stabone danced across my screen.

3) While I am in tvland, I am going to step a little bit out of order and just pose a question, really. Since naming tv characters after tent pitchers was obviously appropriate in the 1980's, was it apparently likewise seemingly kosher in the 1950's to name America's favorite scoundrel and Wally's little brother, "the Beav" after June's hoo hoo? I mean, did people object back
then, or even notice? I'm just asking because I wasn't around in the olden days to get the giggles. If I never get my answer, I do know this: that Ward Cleaver sure had a helluva sense of humor! And, since I'm posing questions anyway, are we still allowed to name kids "Whitey," or has that little pet
name fallen by the copacetic wayside?

Out of the fondness I feel for you, I am going to move this little list along and stop writing my life story with each entry. But just so you know, I have a lot of questions about some of the following. I'll mainly keep my mouth shut, though in the interest of time.

4) Faygo - I am not being disrespectful here - really. This drink name just always made me spit grape flavored bubbles of heaven each time I said its name.

5) Lemme say hey to another drink - circa high school - from the local now-defunct grocery store Delchamps: Dr. D. This Dr. Pepper impostor literally made me wet my pants as when you are a twelve year old scamp in a seventeen year old girl's body, you can't just say "Dr. D"; you are contractually obligated to only call it "Dr. Deez Nutz." Of course.

6) Speaking of grocery stores, Hi there, Publix. A friend's grandmother in high school used to honest to God pronouce this beloved chain with a long "u." And the hilarilty commenced.

7) Dear Dominoes Pizza: Thank you so much for inventing the Mighty Meaty. I don't eat it. Didn't even when I chewed. But I love you.

8) Oh, Cherry Pie Filling - you really know how to put a smile on my face. Honestly, I'm not a snob. Any flavor will make me snicker. A special shoutout to my husband who introduced this terminology to my twelve year old male brain. If you are scratching your head, good for you. Innocence is much more becoming than moral degradation.

9) Next, I'd seriously like to publicly apologize to two adorable characters from a sweet little book called Guess How Much I Love You: Big and Little Nutbrown Hare. I am sorry that my family members cannot seem to remember the proper order of your middle and last names. From here on out, I am going to try to stop addressing the mail that I send to your burrow to "Big Brown Nut Hare and Little Brown Nut Hare." I'm sure you can understand wherein the confusion
10) Last but not least. I'd like to say hello to the Northerners in the house. Northerners, you really know how to do it for me. Some of us say "hot dog"; others of us select "franks." But you, my friends, take it all the way to the hoop and drop a "tube steak" on us like it's hot.
Case in point: Mitt Romney and his favorite treat:

Where do you think Mitt was going with that? "They look like they're..." My inner Kevin's mouth is salivating just thinking of all the giggly possibilities...


John said...

This was a good read. Well, I'm on my way to Starbucks where I'm going to ask them to "leave room for cream".

Talk to you later.


dub-b said...

Very titillating post today.

BOB said...

I bet your husband is a big tube steak fan. I bet he takes those down like a man.

cory said...

You are correct sir. Its an art.

Malcolm said...

You are truly a twisted individual. In other words, my kinda people.

Your post reminded me of a grade school joke I haven't thought of in years. We would ask someone to spell the word "attic" out loud. Shortly thereafter, hilarity would ensue.

what's a donzer said...

Hahahaha! You guys are feeding the disease, you know. I honestly laughed out loud at each seperate comment. Is there a methadone clinic for this?


Richard said...

OMG! I’m so glad that I’m not the only person who gets the giggles at the sound of these words. It’s refreshing to see that mind of a mature, college educated woman can wander into the same gutter that I find myself in so frequently. You should hold onto that twelve year old boy inside you for as long as you can (or at least until Chris Hansen walks into your kitchen).

While you’ve compiled an impressive list, I’d like to submit a few of my favorites for your consideration. I think if you ask your I12YOB, he’ll think they’re as hilarious as I do.

I don’t know if it’s the gender difference between us, but when I see an Audi TT, I think of it as Tee Tee (a person urinating or a man with a small penis). As in, “look over there at that man waxing his TT.” But if you really want a car that says “boobies”, you need look no further than to Tata Motors, known for their small cars with distinctively large headlights.

Another giggle word from the automotive genre is “horn”. Last weekend, I was driving somewhere with my girlfriend and this jerk cuts in front of me without signaling. Jenni said, “Why don’t you blow your horn?” I replied, “If I could blow my own horn, I’d never leave the driveway!”

Poop is another genre full of chuckle words. I cannot hear the word “duty” without having to stifle the snickers that come from my inner child. It doesn’t matter what context you insert that word into, it just sounds funny: “call of duty”, “heavy duty”, “double duty”, “do your duty”, “tour of duty”, “duty free”. See what I mean. As sure as a bear does his duty in the woods, using the “duty” word is guaranteed comedy gold. I could be at the State of the Union Address and G Dubya could say, “It’s every American’s duty to support our troops.” And I’d be like, “Ha ha, he said ‘duty’!”

“No. 2” is another term that sends my mind to the gutter. I can remember taking the CRT test in fifth grade, listening to the teacher’s instructions, “be sure to use a number two pencil.” I could never remember to bring my own pencil so I always had to borrow one from the teacher. I always end up with the dregs from the pencil cup, a chewed up nub of a pencil with no eraser. So I grew up thinking that No. 2 was code for a shitty pencil.

There was also this time when I hadn’t done my homework, a five-question quiz at the end of the chapter. There were 30 kids in the class, so I was playing the odds that I wouldn’t be called on to answer. That turned out to be a bad bet. The teacher asked me, “Richard, what’s the answer for number two?” I tried to divert attention away from my blank sheet of paper with my reply, “A diet high in fiber.” She was not impressed.

I also find great humor in military ranks & rates. In high school, I was in NJROTC. Part of our training was to learn the names for all the different naval officer ranks. To this day, I still giggle at the O-7 rank of Rear Admiral. I can’t help but think of the dude from the Village People and the song “In the Navy”. Rear Admirals are divided into two groups, O-7 is Rear Admiral (lower half) and O-8 is Rear Admiral (upper half). I always thought the lower/upper distinction was how you knew which one gives and which receives. Once you’ve done your Rear Admiral time, you graduate to Vice Admiral.

As a freshman in ROTC, you start out near the bottom of enlisted scale, which was as an E-2, Seaman Apprentice. While that alone is funny, it gets better. After the first semester, most cadets are promoted. The next level up is E-3, a full Seaman. We had a girl in our class who’s last name was Hunt. I secretly wanted her to be promoted to Seaman just for the jokes. “Seaman Hunt! Where are you?” or “Let’s go Seaman Hunt!”

I think I’ve rambled on quite enough for one comment.

John said...


I'm disappointed that you didn't tell everyone what Seaman Hunt's career choice was leaving high school.


what's a donzer said...

Wow. Since International Women's Day is now just a memory, I have a couple minutes to commit to responding to my longest comment ever.

When I was 17 I had some kidney stones and I had to go to the hospital. A nurse kept coming in and asking me if I had to "tee tee." I guess it was proabably the meds, but I kinda lost it on her about calling my urine the double T. I told her if she wanted to call it "pee," that was fine, but I wouldn't respond to "tee tee" anymore.

HaHahahaha! Horn!

My favorite is "Rear Admiral." It sounds like such an important position.