Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My allegiance to a bunny and the pickle it caused.

Um, I'm gonna tiptoe into this. Yesterday, I had a little one-sided dialogue with our old friend E. Bunny (one-sided only because he hasn't had the time to hit me back yet. He will; you'll see.). Anyway, this kicked up a little bit of a firestorm in the this blog is eggsalady neck of the woods as to my alleged "exclusive" relationship with the secular side of our upcoming weekend holiday. The e-mails flooded in. Here's a sampling:

"What's a Donzer: You do realize that your precious Peeps and pectin jellybeans have nothing to do with the Easter holiday, right?" - Jodie B.; Paduca, Kentucky

"Really? Writing to the Easter Bunny about your lack of chewing? Chew on this: Pray instead, you ass." - Ray Money; Grainfield, Kansas

Well, this is for you, Jodie B. and Ray Money, and all you other concerned readers. Today I will address some Easter basket alternatives that do not force you to worship the devil (yeah, I refer to you Easter egg Gobstoppers and bunny shaped Pez. See, readers - impartiality.). So, here you are. Cheers.

My God, you have quite a Christian chocolate jones, huh? Well, suck on this: It's a veritable Christian lollipop paradise. First, for the low low price of $5.50 each, you could have your pick of either a semi-sweet Jesus or the Virgin Mary on a stick (stick not pictured). That's some low-priced holy goodness if I've ever seen it!

And, from the same blessed company, perhaps a candy-coated crucifix is more up your alley. It'll only set you back $4.50, and it comes in white chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, dark chocolate mocha, and mint white chocolate. Amen!

Oh - your Christian candy taste is better categorized in the multi-colored subsection? Alrighty, here you go! Visit this sanctified website and choose amongst many tasty Christian iconography allstars. Who could resist?

What's that, reader? Chocolate isn't your groove? Well, how about some hallowed Christian gummy snacks for your palate? Get two pounds of these "Walking with Jesus Gummy Sandals" for ONLY eleven big ones. I like fruit. I like Jesus. I'll take them!

Oh. You like a little coffee after dinner, but it leaves your breath less than fresh? Well, don't sacrifice your morals, reader! Pop in a couple of these Testamints for fresh breath and a fresh soul!

I'm sorry, Barbara from Douglas, Wyoming: I forgot how much you enjoy a bowl of egg drop soup and an after dinner fortune cookie. Well, what better way to reveal your future this holy season than a crisp sugary cookie with a prophetic Bible verse tucked neatly inside? I can think of no better harbinger of your destiny, Babs!

Maybe food isn't your bag for the Easter celebrations? Maybe, just maybe, you need a well-deserved soak in your tub to get your relax on? Well, try this Jesus endorsed bubble bath on for size. For only $12.95, you'll "feel like you are walking on water", too. Wow.
And, finally, readers, thanks to the attention of the legions of readers speaking out against our alliance with E to the Bunny intimating that this blog is eggsalady may not be headed in the sacrosanct, anointed direction that it should, I am considering a little bit of divine marketing direction, a' la "Christvertising." Dr. Ed van Pelt, chief Christvertiser, reveals that "Christvertising manages a network of creative, innovative, and pro-active believers, who will help you, through intensive prayer, improve your brand in the eyes of the Lord." He explains that "if God loves your brand, it will become stronger and more successful." Well, I'd like to think that the cult of this blog is eggsalady could be considered a brand (of the asinine, maybe, but a brand nonetheless). We certainly want God to love our brand. Should I contact Doc van Pelt to help begin a massive, worldwide Christvertising campaign so this shiz blows up like a Strawberry Splash Bubblicious bubble on a hot summer's day? I mean, all in the Easter spirit of course. Maybe I'll crack open my Gentile fortune confection and see if the Christvertising is in the cards. I'll keep you posted.
So, my friends (those of you Bunny fans and the anti-rabbit coalition out there, as well), I wanted to make sure I represented all sides of the coin.
Well, crunch. I just realized all the non-Easter celebrants may feel a little neglected, as well.
Alright. Purim basket ideas to come.
Go get your worship on, and then seek out some of this:


Freddy said...

You handled those two bitches that wrote those stupid-ass emails quite kindly, I would have thrown them in the microwave with the peeps...
Funny pics!

julius said...

I lost my virginity the night I succumbed to christvertising.

How was I to know that "I need a half-melted dark chocolate crucifix in my mouth" was a brutal sexual euphemism that guaranteed a life-altering experience?

At least he let me lick the thorns.

John said...

With the Jesus-endorsed bubble bath, does it come with any directions that tell you whether you have to be fully submersed in order to be clean?

I've always been concerned with that theological point and figured what is a better way to find out than to use Jesus' bubble bath.

Finally, does the bubble bath have an instructions such as "bubble, rinse, repeat" or do you only have to bubble once for your entire life? I'm so confused now.

Vickster said...

hehe, nice post! love the bizarre easter candy :-D

what's a donzer said...

Ah, Freddy. I think next time I'll send Jodie B. and Ray Money to your store to see you! I have no doubt you'll take care of 'em for me!

Hey, Julius: Can you hold this lightning rod for me real quick; I have a short errand to run. Oh, and would you mind - in painstaking detail - relaying your christvertising virginitylosscapades for me? I have a, um, friend who is doing a little research.

John, your questions are mind boggling. I think I'll ask the Easter Bunny if he has any answers.

Hi, Vickster! Nice to see you! Gotta go eat some Gummy Sandals...