An Open Letter to the Easter Bunny

Hey, Easter Bunny,

Sup? How's tricks? Right on. I'm good; I'm good. I guess it's been a while since I've written, huh? Sorry. You know how it is. Well, what have you been up to lately? I guess you have been pretty busy getting ready for the big day this Sunday, eh? Do you have a second? I have some things I'd like to lay out on the table here, and I was hoping I could get the skinny from you on a few ishes that have been giving me a braineurism of late.

I guess first, you know, I'll ask you some of the burning questions that have been keeping me awake at night. First, EB: I really don't know a lot about you. You're kind of the El Mysterioso of all holiday mascots. But, you know, there comes a point in a relationship when you need to take things to the next level and open your eyes, tap that special someone on the shoulder and get him to hand you your bra and remind you of his name. Well, this is kind of that time. I wanna know your story. I am just really unclear on where exactly you spend all your days when you are not camped out at my local mall sitting in the enormous pastel pink chair while toddlers named Brice donning suspenders Larry King would covet drip their sippies of cranapple juice and goldfish crumbs all over your furry lap. I mean, it's not the North Pole, I am assuming. But, where do you live? I imagine it's somewhere nice and mild, like Boca, where you can relax a little with a cocktail on your lanai or practice your golf swing or work on your crossstitch samplers. You tell me. I mean, you know where I live - in fact, you apparently know where I have kept the spare key of every single house I have inhabited for nearly three decades. Open up a little. I don't even know your first name. Are you Peter Cottontail, or is that just some Garth-Brooks-becomes-Chris-Gaines type thing? I have no idea. And, Bunny - why do you look different every time I see you? This must confuse the ladies. Are there ladies? Are you seeing anyone special these days?

Okay, also, buddy: can you kind of break down what it is, exactly, that you do for the children around the world each year? I mean, I have talked to some friends, and there seem to be some discrepancies. You know how you come to my house and hide my Easter basket on Easter morning - sometimes in the dryer, sometimes in the laundry hamper, sometimes in the guest room closet? Why do you do that? I mean, my basket hunt just happened to come up in conversation with some pals recently, and, apparently you have always thought my ass could use a little extra workout, because not one of the chums I polled has to work for their jellybeans in the morning. Oh, and speaking of my friends and their Easter baskets: well, I am not trying to sound ungrateful here. Really - I am really grateful for all the tasty treats you have ever presented to me. But, some of my friends just happened to mention that you often step outside the realm of candy in their baskets. Some of them have gotten jewelry; some have received cds; yet others claim that you have bequeathed fat wads of cash amongst their plastic green grass and Cadbury eggs (BTW - I'll get to those momentarily). One girl I know even got two little yellow chickies from you one year. But, you always stick solely to candy for yours truly. Again, not complaining - just, you know, asking.

And, what about the hard boiled eggs? I mean, I dye them every year for you, sometimes using the PAAS kit, sometimes the Dudley's, sometimes both. We've had tiedyed eggs and plastic lamb picture wrapped eggs and striped eggs and stickered eggs and eggs with my name written in white wax and eggs with your name written in white wax; basically, anything one could do in the egg decorating world has been done by me. And, I was kind of under the impression that it was all for you. Well, how come my eggs always end up distributed amongst my family Easter baskets and then back in the Frigidaire by ten a.m? I guess I can kinda see how you'd be a little full from all the other egg endowed families you've visited throughout the night. (Don't get me started on your transportation means; there simply isn't enough time to delve into that topic.) But, why, exactly, am I busting my A decorating all these grade A extra larges for you when they end up back in a basket for me? I dunno. Again, just questions here between friends, right?

Well, here comes the selfish. I guess I thought I might just give you a couple helpful suggestions before you pick up my basket from the factory (the treehouse? the burrow? Target? See - a little disclosure wouldn't kill you, I bet) this year: You know how every year when I was in the grocery store with my mom and we'd pass the section of plastic premade Easter baskets filled with crayons and bubbles and coloring books and plastic eggs and Double Bubble and I'd always whine and say that's what I wanted and it looks so fun and the Easter Bunny never brings me those? You were so right. Please don't make this year the year you start that. I am sorry I doubted you. Also, jelly beans: I really mean this - go Russell Stover pectin or go home. I don't want any of the impostors (even you, overpriced, undersized Jelly Belly). And, what with the whole non-chewing snafu this year, I am thinking about still going for it and popping my beans like I'd (theoretically) pop my Vicodin. Cadbury eggs? Pass. Peeps? They're a novelty. Skip 'em. You're better than Peeps. Oh - you know what would be cool? One of those orange flavored cut into wedges chocolate balls. Oh. Wait. Nevermind. Can't chew. Those are pretty dope, though. I guess forget the chocolate bunny, too. Normally that's pretty rad, though. Anyway, I guess you'll have to think outside the box for me a little this year. Ovaltine, maybe? DQ Blizzard gift certificates? You're the boss. I'll yield to you.

Anyway, I still have a million more questions, but I know I have rambled on a little and I am sure you have a billion things to do. Anyway, keep in touch. Maybe drop me a line letting me know some of these things I have wondered about since I was a fetey, mmkay? Well, hope you have a great week!

Love ya lots,

What's a Donzer

p.s. - Good luck this weekend!

p.p.s. - GLTS!

p.p.p.s. - visit here, won't you? humor-blogs.com