Tuesday, March 4, 2008

This city has a...thin..candy...shell...

Well, today is March 4th, the day in which voters from two states that matter march forth and cast ballots for their candidate to march forth (wait 'til you see how I use May 1st; it'll be genius, I tell you! Genius!) into the 2008 mygodCandyCrowleystoptellingushowmonumentalthiselectionis Presidential nomination. In other news, Rhode Island and Vermont pretend people care about them, too.

In honor of the historical collective turning of the watchful eyes of the nation toward that industrially sexy hotbead, Ohio, this blog is eggsalady would like to focus on perhaps the most pimpin city inside the Buckeye state: It's a Spotlight on Sandusky!
My mind has oft wondered what makes our Boy Sandusky tick. Well, finally I've done a little research on the 48870 (I wanna throw a shoutout to my peeps in the San D postal office - Keep It Real, Fellas and Sharon!) and you, fair readers, deserve to get your learn on, Sandusky style, too. I wish I could write a book on my sweet 'dusky, but, alas, I only have a little time with you. So, I'll try to play the highlight reel and throw down some S-Town educatin' real quick like.

A Hotbed of Action - There are simply TOO MANY dope things to do while in Sandusky to list them all. Those 27,844 Sandusky proper natives are never short of Saturday night activities to light their fancies. Why, if I didn't know how mad smart the Duskans are, I'd assume they never did any book-reading with all the fun times to be had in our Erie County gem. First off, which American amusement park won the Golden Ticket Award as the BEST park in the world EIGHT years running? That would be crazy-sick Cedar Point Amusement Park, Sandusky's "home to the most rides (75) and roller coasters (17) on Earth." And, how! As if that weren't enough, our metropolis also boasts world class shopping rivalling Rodeo Drive. Ladies, while you're cruising the downtown strip, why don't you stop and pick up something special for your guys at Erik's Clothing for Men? Afterwards, settle in for some down home nourishment at grubalicious Yesteryears Restaurant. I've heard they have not only a "nice" salmon dinner, but also a "nice" salad bar, as well. Do you take reservations? This is the Donzer Family, party of three!

World Famous Natives - With all the famous names that hail from our city, Sandusky keeps the paparazzi in action, fo sheezy. For starters, a famous native who, sadly, is no longer with us. But, meet Fanny Mills, the "Ohio Big Foot lady" who weighed but 115 pounds, yet wore a size 30 shoe! Fanny (a lymphedema sufferer) was an amazing attraction at the Dime Museum in the late 1800's, drawing in scores of suitors who wanted the chance to be paid five thousand big ones to marry our girl. The Human Marvel website reports that visitors flocked to Sandusky to ogle Fanny's swollen extremities; I am not so sure that's the only reason: I can't stop staring at her brights, myself. I guess it was cold in Ohio in 1885, too.
Another famous Sanduskan I'll highlight is Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Jon Gruden. There's not a whole lot I know about Grudie, and I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, but frankly the wee wikipedia explanation of Jonny was even too long and snoresville for me to plow through. But, I will tell you three things you can take to the bank: 1) Senor Gruden kinda looks like a massive tool; 2) El Grudito claims to have no hobbies (zzzzzzz); and 3) my mother in law thinks Gruders is a hottie. Hmmm.
And, of course, everybody's fat guy in a little coat (may he rest in peace), Tommy Boy himself, hails from Sandusky, OH. Tommy Boy initiated my Sandusky opining, and we should all turn our heads toward the sky whenever Sandusky is mentioned, for Big Tom Callahan's only son deserves hella props for putting this hamlet on the map.
You know, I don't think I could ever swallow enough Sandusky knowledge. All I know is, my education will not stop here. Tonight, while Anderson Cooper is yammering on about these polls and those returns, my focus will be on one precinct and one precinct alone: that bewitching midwest paradise - Our Sweet Sandusky.

7 comments:

dub-b said...

Tommy Boy is one of my all time favs.
"No wait...it's gotta be your bull." classic.
Anyhoo...Cedar Point sounds AWESOME! I need to make it there in my quest to hit all of the top theme parks in North America. So far I've made it to Six Flags over Georgia and King's Dominion in Virginia. As you can see, I'm well on my way.

Malcolm said...

One of my nieces turned me on to "Tommy Boy" around the time it came out on video. She was singing "fat man in a little coat". When I asked her what the hell it was she was singing, she told me and the rest is history. Along with "Friday", "Tommy Boy" is the only movie that made me laugh so hard I had to pause the movie (it was the scene where Tommy caught Richard spanking his monkey).

cory said...

Wow! Now that is what you call cankles! If thats the way they roll in Sandusky, I'm on the next flight!

what's a donzer said...

Hahahaha. "Richard, were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?" Classic. The movie has gotten me through some hard times, indeed (no pun intended).

And, yeah. Hot cankles of love. I mistakingly thought swelling was more prevalent in heat, but we can see that is not the case with Fanny.

Dub-B, I support you on your quest. Maybe you should begin a "Help dub-b fulfill his dream" fund. I'd throw in a couple of my hard-earned bucks, for sure.

Richard said...

How did you know I was watching Spanktravision?! You must be psychic !

Richard said...

when I first read through the comments, I thought you were talking to me. I now realize that you were quoting the movie.

I guess it was my guilty conscience that caused me to think you were directing the comment at me :)

I enjoyed that movie (Tommy Boy), but I must say I don't remember Ohio looking as good as it did in the Movie.

what's a donzer said...

Oh, no: I was talking to you, Richard.