Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Down and Dirty Development Version 13.0

Whoa there, sassy samplers of the server side of sexalicious! Out of nowhere, the most controversial two weeks in the history of our favorite carnal coding feature has just hit this blog is eggsalady. As we all know, Sexy Programmer Thursday is a lover not a fighter, so what was the contentious quarrel all about? Well, my friends, it seems that the past two Sexy Programmer recipients (Wikipedia creator Jimbo Wales and Amazon creator Jeff Bezos, of course) have ruffled a feather or two in the spicy development community. Literally thousands wrote in to express discontent or support for the last two stars of our show. See below.

I am CdrAdama 69 wrote in, "Maybe your feature should be called Sexy Sellout Investor Thursday. Why don’t you profile a real programmer instead of the Amazon guy who still can't seem to get his crap together and send me my Babylon 5: Lost Tales dvd I ordered eleven freaking days ago." And then there was DCOM-Tom, who contentiously spat, "Jeff Bezos couldn't tell his qualified identifiers from his ass." Now, I don't normally condone any sort of fighting, but all of this mudslinging amongst code studs has gotten me all kinds of excited. Well, my friends. I have heeded your calls (and finally gotten over the virus one angrily hot programmer dropped on my computer out of sexy spite).

This week, we are getting back to badass basics with a real down and dirty developer. Today's
captivating Cap'n Code is as hands-on (squeal!) piece of program pastry as they come. He's, like, the most valuable Microsoft-centric programmer to ever stroke a mouse. He's only written a jillion books (you've probably read one or ten of them - um, hello? Professional Visual Basic Interoperability - COM and VB6 to .NET, anyone? Like we all haven't dived straight into that a hundred times on a Saturday night!) Besides those things, he's dominated a billion more things, from CSLA to Magenic; that's right, today's realdeal hardcore studlycuddly coder is noneother than Rockford "Rocky" Lhotka. Lhotka? More like HOTka!

Yo, Adrienne! Get a load of some of these RANDY ROCKFORD FILES:

1) He's one Sexy Superman - That's right; he's a comely comic collector. If only someone would graphically design his amazingly delicious adventures on paper - and not just in my dreams!

2) He's a Melt in Your Mouth Minnesotan - mmm. Mountain men are amazing, and Rocky's no exception. He loves "fishing, hunting, trapping, snowmobiling, boating, swimming and generally wandering through the woods and lakes of central Minnesota." Rocky: You. Me. An abandoned cabin in the woods. It's on.

3) He lulls luscious lyrics of love. - Our Rockin' Rocky gets in the mode to code by crooning along to the sweet sounds of Rush, Queensryche, Godsmack, and Linkin Park. What a coincidence. Lhotka has been living in Silent Lucidity in my imagination for ages now. Oh, my dream is over. Or has it just begun?

And now. I have an extraspecial treat for you all. You're only gonna find it here, lookieloos (and perhaps Amazon and upon performing a painstaking Google search). After all the bad blood of the past fourteen days, it's only fair I treat you to a little harmony. A gift from me, to you. It's the Most Lust-inducing Literature Collection you're ever going to Lay Eyes On. Programming Porn - a Whole Lotta Lotkha - just for you.

I like to call this one Pensive Programmer. It's really Rocky at his very best, in my opinion. To me, it's like, nothing says badass like a man who's not afraid to sack up and pose as though he's taking his senior portrait and his life is on the line. From the perfectly feathered hair to the beautifully groomed beard: It's pure sex, eh?

Oh, a classic. In my head it's My God, Do I Ever Get a Kick Out of How Pensive Rocky Looks Again. It's almost like Billy is trying to suck in some of Rocky's sexy through his giganticly hot calculator watch. And look at Rocky over there. He's all: I'm gonna go for the poppin' my chin zit look, and even that won't detract one iota from my full-on sexy.

Look! It's Like I Even Need My Pensive Pose Anymore I'm So Enormously Sexy. Billy's back again, and all he can do is stand back and reel in Rocky's sexy. Look - written all over Billy's face, it's, "I was the sexy codetoter once, you young virile bastard." And Rocky knows it. There's no getting around who the star of the schwing is on this set.

And finally, it's the Sexy Septet All Stars. The amount of sexy oozing off our bunch is staggering. But, my buttoned down Lhotka of Love is clearly the Professional VB Prom King. (Rumor has it "VB" stands for vag bait. Confirmed!)

So here's to you, Rockford Lhotka. You are like the SuperSmokin World Peace of Sexy Programmer Thursday. Thanks for unifying us all in your lusty, lusty love. Shalom.

A very special Happy Belated Birthday to an original BSG, Brett. Hope your big day was super sexy!


cory said...

No he didn't just rock the poppin chin zit pose!! DAMN, THAT'S HOT!!!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

"piece of program pastry" - oh, that's good...

brett said...

Thanks for the belated birthday present. Also thanks for clarifying the VB acronym. I always thought it was Visual Basic.

I am a little upset that you didn't go much into CSLA (composed sexy Lhotka assurance). I was actually reading the 3.0 handbook my birthday weekend!

John said...

Here's hoping that one day you can get your dream... having Rocky remote into your data portal!

dub-b said...

This reminds me of one of my favorite Zeppelin songs...I'm sure you know it well, but I'll post the lyrics here just in case:

"Whole Lhotka Love"

You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin',
I'm gonna send you back to schoolin',
Way down inside honey, you need it,
I'm gonna give you my love,
I'm gonna give you my love.

Wanna Whole Lhotka Love [X4]

You've been learnin', baby, I bean learnin',
All them good times, baby, baby, I've been yearnin',
Way, way down inside honey, you need it,
I'm gonna give you my love... I'm gonna give you my love.


You've been coolin', baby, I've been droolin',
All the good times I've been misusin',
Way, way down inside, I'm gonna give you my love,
I'm gonna give you every inch of my love,
Gonna give you my love.


Way down inside... woman... You need... love.

Shake for me, girl. I wanna be your backdoor man.
Keep it coolin', baby.

cory said...

wow, Dub-b wants to be Rocky's backdoor man.

dub-b said...

@cory...actually i hadn't given much thought to the lyrics. i really like the guitar solo. but i can see why you, yourself would have interpreted the song that way.

damon said...

Damn. I saw the first picture and thought.. maybe, just maybe, you had found a sexy FEMALE programmer with one sweet arse!


what's a donzer said...

Cory - he went there, and we swooned.

Suburban - And can't we all imagine indulging in that sweet dessert!

Brett - Rocky is the gift that keeps on giving. It's like your birthday weekend, all year long, eh?

John - I'm sorry - did you just time travel into my fantasy world? Apparently.

Dub-b - thank you for providing the soundtrack of my life.

Cory / dub-b - um, hello? I think there's enough Rocky to go around for all of us.

Damon - Hang tight, my friend. She's coming. The waiting is the hardest part, huh?