Tuesday, May 27, 2008

An Open Letter to My Lover

Dear KFC Famous Mashed Potato Bowl with Gravy,

How are you? I am fine. I just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know that I cannot stop thinking about you lately. KFC MPBw/G, you know you're the bomb. I mean, I can't even imagine my life before I met you. You totally get me, and I just know that we will be together forever. My god; it's like, you could have just stopped at the mashed potatoes, gravy, and deliciously sexy, naughtily plump pieces of all white meat chicken (which I lustily dice into tiny little morsels of love so my nonchewing orifice can swallow you with ease. And, how!) that are swimming seductively together in a plastic container of unadulterated ecstasy. But, no. You kept going, and you kept going with the fervor and passion of a thousand blazing bordellos on a steamy July night. Concerned about my nutrients, you tossed in some corn for good measure. Oh, Famous Bowl, just when you disclose your concern to fulfill my daily vegetable needs with your corn addition, then you go and demonstrate your lascivious shamelessness, bringing my love for you to a staggering climax: you go and cover your whole damn hot body with cheese. I love you.

Oh, Hot 'n Sexy, there are many who try to make me feel shame for my love for you. They say that you are no good; that loving you will lead me down a dangerous path, and that I will abandon all the things that are good for me. Well, dammit, I don't care. I need you, Bowl. You may be 740 calories, but you are my 740 calories, and I will not feel shame for our love. What we have is pure, and they can't take that away from us. No one understands what we share. You know I'll be with you forever.

Well, I just wanted to make sure you know how I feel.


I love you soooooooo much,


p.s. - Eat your heart out, Wolf Blitzer!


Alice said...

I'm not entirely sure why you're not writing romance novels for a living. Between food and programmers you got it all in the bag!

Or maybe you already write novels and this is just a side gig. Hmmm...

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I'm thinking that you are looking for love in all the wrong places...

Freddy said...

haha...I so want to try this but I'm scared of how my body might react! You've made me hungry now.

damon said...

I've never tried one of them there things. I'd love to get one, but that would be cheating.

Malcolm said...

Just looking at those tasty artery clogging pics made me schedule an angioplasty for next week. Damn that food looks good!

julius bloop said...

hey,check out patton oswalt's bit about kfc famous bowls.


what's a donzer said...

Again. Prize for worst comment responder? Wolf Blitzer. Then me.

Alice - you've caught me. Mullatio Enterprises just might have a novel division up its sleeve.

Suburban - you are so right, but it feels so good.

Freddy - Don't fight it. Seriously. You deserve what the colonel is cooking.

Damon - Adultery is never wrong when there is gravy involved.

Malcolm - I know; I know. I could swim the backstroke in this stuff and never look back.

Julius - This was indeed a Christmas present come early. Gracias, my friend. Gracias.