Monday, June 2, 2008

Do I need millions of strangers to tell me I appear intoxicated? Probably.

I like to pretend that I am ahead of the curve on all the flyest shiznittles that the hepsters are doing these days, but, let's face it: who am I kidding? I just got an iPod. Eight years later. For Mother's Day. While I was wearing a fanny pack. Haha. I wasn't actually wearing the fanny pack. I was loading it with supplies. Also not true, but, being a bit of a trendacular oracle, I will tell you this: Mark my words. All the freshest g's are gonna be sporting the pack again in the very near future, and you'll wish you hadn't tossed yours aside with your wobegone Rick Astley tapes. The Ast is coming back, and so is the assluggage.

Anyway, so tonight I caught wind of the dopest trend to hit the pervitudinous Web of the World since droves of sixteen year old Lolitas with a dream began flashing their lacy purple pushup bras on their sparkly-slash-emo-bedecked-myspace pages while perfecting the perfect amount of kissyfaced angst meets coy comehither glance for their pimply bio labpartners and also all the boys in Cellblock M. It's called Facestat, and it's marketed as "Market research for the individual." What that means is, you go there, and you can upload a picture of yourself for all the gawkers of the world to judge your attractiveness level, your weight, your sexual orientation, your trustworthiness, your level of intoxication, and much, much more. It's intriguing, really, in an ohmygod, am I really looking at this mess kind of way.

Have a looksee at this lady (I like to call her Patty):
Lemme give you a closeup so you can see what the world thinks of Patty, whose picture is on the opening freaking page of this website.

The world has proclaimed that she isn't gay, she's "definitely gay," and, by the way, not to be trusted. Why? Because her big old 40 year old smile and "hate it" haircut scream to us that she is a "serious stockbroker." Er, what?

Need more? Here's more.

Now here's an unfunny middle aged, middle class chunk of a honky who we'd definitely trust with our leftwing conspiracy theories, but who will not be returning home to the boudoir with us for an old romp between the sheets, no sir!

I don't know. I'm feeling a little skeeved by this entire phenomenon (by the way - do NOT accidentally type facesat. Oops. Different idea entirely).

Would you do me a really big favor, though, and add your picture up there and, like, eight people who you hate, too, and let me know how it turns out? I just don't know if my balls are big enough right now to find out that a zillion people think I am a skanky yet trustworthy drunk with bad hair. I wanna know how you fare before I do it. I dare you.


John said...

If that's a picture of you sitting next to Nancy Carrigan on your blog, I'm going to have to say that you don't look very trust worthy.

There is just something about you that tells me that you can't be trusted. I hope I'm not right and this just a knee-jerk reaction.


Tracy said...

I'm kind of baffled by that site. On the one hand, I just don't understand why people want to do this to themselves.
On the other hand, I'm wondering what they would say about me.
See? Baffling.

Alice said...

How do you ever find this stuff? I'm lookin' in all the wrong places on the internet.

Freddy said...

Assluggage!LOL...Facestat is insane....unbelievable. Thanks for sharing with your fabulous critique!
I posted a Mutilated Shopping Bag I think you will like...Jason made it...

what's a donzer said...

Oh, John. That's not fair. I had a case of the Galoolies that day.

Tracy: do it...

Alice: Is it because you are hanging out with

Freddy: Are you brave enough to post a picture? I'm gonna have to have some (more) tequila to do it.

Oh, and, you were RIGHT. That shopping bag is the most glorious thing upon which I have ever laid my eyes. It is seriously hang-on-the-wall worthy. For real.


I have brutally honest kids who let me know about every minute flaw in my appearance why would I need Facestat?

The worst thing I've ever seen on the web is a baby board where they rate the cuteness of your baby. You are not allowed membership unless a minimum of 75 percent of the other members think your baby's cute. They are some vicious nasty people tearing down cute infants as "inbred-looking must have been fathered by Gomer Pyle" and crap like that. But then I'm a longtime member of a baord that makes fun of bad baby names, so you know.....

what's a donzer said...

Ohmygod - I have the strongest desire now to go ugly baby leer. I wonder what I should google for that. It seems so wrong, yet so right.