Thursday, May 22, 2008

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Luscious Treasures Version 12.0

Are you ready, my tinglymingly merchants of desire? You have arrived on a mystical, momentous occasion - the Sexy Sale of the Century! - and the babealicious bargain of our lifetime is one devilishly delicious doorbuster. That's right, shameless shoppers; it is once again our favorite day of the week - our opportunity to buy a boo at a bargain basement price - it's Sexy Programmer Thursday!

You will not be disappointed in this week's mesmerizing merchandise. No need for your credit cards this time, because the hotness is on us! Well, we wish he was on us - but, the hotness is totally gratis, and my, my, my are we grateful! Our heavenly hunk of the week is a window shopper's wildest dream. He's wonderfully wondrous eye candy, and he comes in just the right size. On top of all of his amazingly alluring assets, he also just so happens to offer about a jillion perfect products to the world via the commercially happening hotbed of love that HE CREATED - yes, that's right - our lovely clerk of love invented our shopping utopia -! He's beautiful Jeff Bezos, and we've got plenty of him in stock, right here.

We're whetting your whistle, I know. Want more? Yeah you do. Well, preferred shoppers, you're gonna get more. Can you handle it? Our Titan of Techsales, Baby Baby Bezos, brings the beefcake thunder, and he makes no apologies for his beauty. Saddle up and stay a while, and clip a few CAPTIVATING COUPONS of desirous info about our chiseled chairman of the board. Let the lusting commence.

1) You better believe we partied like it was 1999 in 1999. - You know it - and here's why. Time magazine named our Amastud Jeffy Bezos the motherfreaking Person of the motherfreaking Year in 1999. As if I had to remind you, I know. But, our gentle Jeff won the prize not just for his smokin hotness, but also for his ability to totally dominate the e-commerce universe. Who else has Time deemed POTY worthy? Oh. Just people like Harry Truman, Winston Churchill, JFK, Martin Luther King, Jr., Henry Kissinger, and other less attractive than Jeff worldsavers. But, yeah. Look at our bucking beauty over there. His head is mystifyingly floating in a sea of packing peanuts, and he still arrests us with his hottitude. Oh yeah.

2) Oh, to be near his lingering, tinkering hands. - Aaah. If only his handsome hands were in our vicinity, our fulfillment potential would be realized. Bazos the Babezos possesses ten perfect, technical, detail-oriented, mechanical, digits of desire. When he was just a wee toddler, he disassembled his own crib with just a screwdriver and those handy hands. As a kid, he rigged an alarm to his room with those pretty paws to keep his prysies siblings out. He was a computer science major at Princeton where he used his massive manhands to fully realize his technolove. Imagining our heroic hunk toying with the objects of his desire gets us all kinds of shivery, eh? I've got a few things that could use some tinkering, if you know what I mean, Jeff. It's your move.

3) He's already sent us into orbit, but he's ready to take all the world to outer space. - This pioneer of perfatuation is taking groundbreaking steps into the world of space tourism for the masses, and he wants to be our very own tantalizing tour guide. He's ready for liftoff, and so are our hearts, for he's launching a "vertical-takeoff, vertical-landing rocket ship capable of taking passengers to the edge of space," where they will experience several minutes of actual weightlessness, just like the kind of weightlessness they feel when they look into Bezos' alluring eyes. Commercial trips are scheduled to commence in 2010, and believe me, if I have to sell my ears and arms on Amazon, I'm all over it just to spend some precious time with our precious Jeff. Blasting off into the stratosphere has never been so sexy.

4) This man's man knows how to make our bluecollar desires boil. - Yes, he's a billionaire. Yes, he could sit back, basking in his chair made of money while we fan him with wads of cash, collecting his sweetly smelling sweat dripping with dinero into our gilded jars of passion. But he doesn't. Instead, he mingles with the unworthy masses, wanting nothing more than to drive the forklifts that we, the unworthy commonfolk, drive around the warehouses of the world. Our Jubilant Jeff relates this endearing little tale: "One day, I was at one of our sites and I asked the guys who worked there if I could drive the forklift. They had to think about it for a while because of all of the safety issues — destroying inventory, hurting people … They said, “Well …” Then, they took it outside and I got to drive the forklift." So sweet. So innocent. So sexy.

5) Never have sexier entendre-laden words been spewed in the history of the world. - In the sexiest profile of a sexy programmer ever written, writer Alan Deutschman for tickles our special places, teasing us with Bezos wanderlust, in his arousing description of Jeff's upbringing: Deutschman reveals that, summering on a Texas ranch, Jeff intimately learned the "mountainous area" spending time as he "castrated cattle... and laid pipes." My mind can't stop imagining Jeff the Dream laying pipe in those mountainous areas over and over and over again. Alan Deutschman: thank you for the most erotically charged lines of poetry I have ever read. Jeff's image will forever burn in my mind, in my mountain, and in my soul.

Bezos the Beautiful has taken my breath away. Amazon's founder is the sexiest salesman in the stratosphere. Thank you, Jeff Bezos, for your contributions to our computers and to our bodies. You have us sweating, Jeff, and for that, you are one amazing bearer of the Sexy Programmer Thursday crown. You wear it well.

this is so sexy:


Alice said...

While I am firly in love with Amazon - I'll admit that more that one of those photos creeped me out just a bit.

Freddy said...

Great choice and even better execution! I loved your opening! You are such a delicious writer! You could make Donald Trump sound attractive!