Friday, May 16, 2008

An Open Letter to Tori Spelling

Dear Tori Spelling,

Happy 35th Birthday, Tori, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You've really come a long way since you charmed the pants off Screech as dorky vixen Violet Bickerstaff. Oh, Torz, now that I've said my warm wishes and have your attention, I kind of have some things I'd like to get off of my chest.

First of all, Tori, you're really crawing all up in my shiz lately, and I've pretty much had enough. The thing is, Tori Spelling, that I was perfectly happy with you on 90210. The tunnel that lay between your Mississippi sized breasts served as the perfect dramatic foil for Steve Sanders' optomistic wisdom slash boyish charm. You were the dyslexic virgin who loved puppies and got beat down by Ray Prewitt before his career flashbanged on that other Fox classic, The Heights (how exactly does "How Do You Talk to An Angel" still manage to creep into my head every three months or so like clockwork?). You wore the stupid mermaid dress to the spring formal with charm and you were the most philanthropic of all the sisters in the Alpha house. You made puking at the prom cool again. When the producers threw a stupid half sister at Donna, you didn't even flinch. You had the world's lamest bachelorette party attended by Andrea, Mrs. Teasley, and your mom, and you made the best of it. Oh, Tori Spelling, you did me just fine at good old West Beverly and subsequently California University and then post-college life beyond. Oh, and you know what I freaking LOVED? The made for tv movies you used to rock. Mother May I Sleep With Danger? Um, yeah you can, because that movie was AWESOME! You know what was to die for in A Friend to Die For? Your performance! And, come on: Co-ed Call Girl? I'm sure it was your work that inspired Governor Spitzer and so many others.

But, Tori, now that we are on the outside and out of the vicinity of the Peach Pit, your presence, well, it's overkill. I get that you were super rich and then your dearly departed dad only left you a tenth of his zillions. I understand that your mom was tanning your formative years away and you were stuck bowling in your house's private alley with only your dopey brother Randy to keep you company. I know that you married some skeez, left the skeez, then stole some other skeez from his wife and that made for a really good story for People magazine. But, Tori, I'm over you. I can't watch you open another bed and breakfast with your husband or birth another child on E! I can't bear another article in Us about your yardsales or your ebay store or your baby's ubertrendy nursery. I've seriously had it.

And now, Tori, I hear that 90210 is spinning off into sequeldom. If I can use a little candor here, Tori Spelling, I don't want you back. It doesn't make sense. Kelly Taylor is welcome to be the new guidance counselor. I am perfectly fine with Nat serving up pies to the new gang. Hell, Emily Valentine can even ride in on her bike and sing "Addicted to Love" at the opening assembly, but, Tori, I want you to stay the hell away from the zip code. You have oversaturated my life, and it's time for you to say peace out, and show up on Celebrity Fit Club in 2012. You're Mrs. David Silver, for godssake. Show a little pride here.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. I really used to enjoy comparing the oddly distinctly different sizes of your two nostrils. But, that was then, and this is get the hell off of my tv.

I hope the impending birth of your child goes smoothly.

Oh. If you ever see Luke Perry, please tell him I'll call him.

Thanks for listening, Tor.


the this blog is eggsalady family

hey - go here, Tori: They'll treat you right.


Tracy said...

Happy Birthday to you Tori, and I agree, I'm kinda sick of you too. Take a break, have your babies, love the man that you stole from some other lady who also had his babies, and just enjoy life.
And I hate Inn Love. Just saying.

Jonny's Mommy said...

Didn't she already have her baby?

Well, regardless...I think it is frightening you know that much about the woman....frightening and saaad. :-)

Funny post.

Alice said...

Donzer - I'm a bit concerned about how much you know (and remember) about 90210. Intervention?!?!

And Babycakes and I LOVE throwing around "Mother May I Sleep With Danger" - it's an oldie but goodie to insert into conversation.

Jinksy said...

We can always hope that Shannon Doherty comes along, claws her eyes out, and then sleeps with her man.

cory said...

I remember as I kid, I just couldn't understand how people could tell if breasts were real or not. They all looked the same to me. I just couldn't see the difference.

Those days are behind me now, Tori. And i owe it all to you. Thank you. You and your weird chest canal taught me more than you'll ever know.


I'll never forget the episode where she was cast as a video vixen and her "virgin" self got to roll around all slutted up on top of a car. Or the episode where the girls snuck into a hotel to meet Color Me Badd and caught Donna's mom whoring it up with a young dude. I wish I could forget Color Me Badd singing I Wanna Sex You Up, though. Ick. Seriously ick.


Tpri Spelling is older than me! Yes!

I don't know why that's strangely satisfying to me.


Oh, and I love how these women my age in Hollywood are suddenly done with their clubbing all night and their starlet status(not that they had a choice. They just got too old) and now want to be portrayed as "salt of the earth mommies of the year" so they can milk that for all its worth as though they're the only women ever to have pushed a baby out of their overused hoo-hoo.

Malcolm said...

The other day I looked up the word "nepotism" and saw a pic of Tori. I do give her points for politeness because she did have the decency to ask her mother if she could sleep with danger.

By the way, I am almost ashamed to admit that I know this, but Jamie Walters' stint on 90210 was after "The Heights". Note, I said almost ashamed.

Bee said...

Okay. I am really upset that she's my age. I think she looks at least forty-five!
She was my least fvorite character in 90210. Her and that weird blond kid that used to be David's friend.

what's a donzer said...

Back from the dead.

Tracy, you could not be more correct. Inn Love blows chunks, eats them, then blows them again.

Jonny's mommy, I think you're right. On all accounts. Stalkers can never decide between love and hate, can they?

Alice, as long as you bring the booze to my Tori intervention, I'm in. And, I am SO pleased with you and Babycakes' MMISWD party talk. Is that how you hooked him?

Jinksy, you are such a tease. But, now I have something great to dream about in this sad, sorry world.

Cory, your boob analyses these days are always spot on. Donna Martin is like your own Miyagi.

ELastic - Oh my god. I LOVED the Color Me Badd episode. I am sitting here picturing the skanktasic outfit Donna wore (I didn't even know bike shorts came in the barely over the ass variety) that I so coveted back then. Felice Martin was the original mayor of Slutsville.

And, yeah. Knowing she has me in the age department helps me sleep at night, too. I'm on board with your Hollywood moms comment, as well. They are all just counting the days til they walk in on their husbands doing their nanny so they can land another People magazine cover.

That's hilarious, Malcolm. And, I cannot tell you how awed I am that you are up on your Heights trivia. I can't believe I botched that. After all, I did have the cassette soundtrack. What the hell was I thinking? You rule all. :)

Bee, and her boobs look even older. By the way - amen (yet low blow) on the Scott Scanlin call. I could not have been less sad for a fictional character to off himself.