Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I need you, and you need these.

I've been missing you, you know. I mean it, kid. Things just haven't been the same without you. this blog is eggsalady is getting a little spring cleaning itch, and, as such, there might be a little superficial and spiritual overhauling around the corner. But, since I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, I decided to make an appearance to let you in on a little advice that you really need to heed quickly, and I mean seriously lickety-split like.

If you're like me, you've got approximately fifteen dollars burning a hole in your Calvins, and you're jonesing for a little ebay lovin' capped off by outbidding Arizona75 and then a very special kinky highbidder climactathon. I'd never forgive myself if I didn't let you in on these gems. I'm afraid to tell you that we already missed out on the Star Jones paper dolls last week that slipped through our pathetic clammy fingers like dew on the petals of our morning after regret. So go scoop up your dignity, grab your Discover card and allow yourself this pleasure. You deserve it.

Here are the top five things on ebay that you need to bid on right this second.

1) For the low low Buy It Now price of $12.99, you can be the proud owner of a freaking brilliant always apropos librarian-themed humor t-shirt appealing to the horny booklovahs in all of us, featuring the rofl-iest brand of librarian humor to which you will ever subscribe. This hiLARious shirt is listed as "Librarians Have Nice Buns T-Shirt Large Funny Joke." Truer words have never been spoken, for this is a funny joke, indeed. This is a large funny joke. This is a large funny t-shirt. Librarians. Buns. Hahaha. Classic.

2) Let's face it. We've all been stuck in that moment, fumbling for the words that never come, left with sweaty palms, watery eyes, and pounds of regret. Luckily, I have found some help for our in- the-interest-of-full-disclosure-needs, and that help comes straight from the adorable mouth of punchy Dr. Ruth herself. Instead of spending $3.68 on your noontime Big 'N Tasty with Cheese, why don't you spend that money on some priceless education highlighting the delicate techniques of spilling the beans on your herps. That's right: it's the Dr. Ruth's Guide to Talking About Herpes. It's a useful guide; it's a lovely addition to your coffee table collection. It's priceless.

3) I cannot believe this is only ten effing dollars. How many nights have you been playing the your Jordan Knight doll is on a romantic dinner date with your Hillary Duff doll game when your Chewbacca doll comes in and eats Hillary and Jordan is left sad and dateless and you are sitting there thinking, "if only I had a Marcy Darcy doll to dry Jordan Knight doll's tears"? I know. I've been there more than I like to imagine, too. But, now you can own your own "Mego Style Married With Children Marcy Darcy" eight inch doll of your very own! Seller toy_collector_1954 reveals that the Marcy doll has "sixteen points of articulation", and that's fifteen points more than I feel we deserve! Bid fast, my friends. This baby won't last long.

4) Seriously. This is like my husband's dream come true. It's a calendar called Treasure Chests, and never has a calendar been more aptly named. You see, this $9.99 1969 prize features a baker's dozen boob freaks of nature. I wish I could flash all that this well endowed bounty has to offer. Alas, this is a PG rated site, and the jubblybonanza that fills these pages is not safe for the kiddies. You'll see ladies with three boobs; you'll see ladies with five boobs. You'll see ladies with boobs on their heads and ladies with boobs on their butts. It's awesome.

5) The Biden/Thompson Power Pack. That's right - this baby's bid starts at ninety nine cents, and that's ninety nine cents of heaven. I have no need to collect any other '08 Topps dreamboat candidates, because I'm getting the Fred Thompson / Joe Biden Manmeat sandwich. Fighters in the political ring - they're lovers in my heart. Trade 'em with friends? P'shaw! These suckers'll be pinned to my bra 'til the day I die.

I'm glad to see you again. I have many more suggestions to come, but, my eyelids are heavy and my lenses misty from our joyous reunion. Now let's go bid like we've never bid before. Mmkay. Love you.

I don't know. Maybe we should still click: humor-blogs.com


Alice said...

Ahhh..welcome backk! Loved your eBay finds. Perhaps I'll be outbidding you at the last second for some of those. Muahhhahaha....

Did you see my kick-ass eBay sock find this weekend?!?!

Meg said...

As a collector of memorabilia dolls, I resemble that remark you made in #3.

Welcome back!

Malcolm said...

A Marcy doll?! I had no idea that they existed. Treasure Chests... I am always down for a trip down mammory lane.

Jinksy said...

If you could double the Jordan Knight doll as a voodoo doll, I would snap it up in a second.

what's a donzer said...

Oh my gosh, Alice. I have been out of computerland for ages now. But, I rushed over to your blog and was elated to discover that we were both on an ebay wavelength. Star Wars Socktops? Yes, Please!

Thanks, Meg. It's been a while, eh. But Marcy Darcy would bring anyone back, eh?

I love it, Malcolm. I bet the Bud Bundy doll would say thanks for the mammaries, too.

I can't speak for the Jordan Knight doll's talents, Jinksy, but I can attest to the Marky Mark doll's abilities to cause its larger counterpart to drop his pants at my behest from the comforts of my very own living room.

Freddy said...

..and none of them were my items, sorry to say! I've sold all kinds of shit on ebay! Seems like the vintage stuff you think is worth a fortune nobody wants and there's 100 listed, and then you go and list a used sony clie (it's like a palm) and people fight over it.
The weirdest thing I sold most recently was a brick from the old Mapes Casino in Reno, Nevada (where I'm from originally). I even had a certificate of authenticity (it was my sister's not mine). Sold for $49!

what's a donzer said...

Freddy, can you please come to my house and de-shit the place? I'll give you 80% of the ebay profits and take you to IHOP in the morning, too.