Wiggity Wack Wednesday: Dreamboat Edition

It's time to take a jaunt down the old lanes o' me memory. Watching lil Cornflake toddle about seems to make me wax philosophical about the good old days when aaaaahhh, life, she was a simpler time. Join me, won't you, for an historical tour of love.

Google, you are a tricky mistress, indeed. Because you are giving me such a hard time finding pictures of all my former real-life in-person crushes (By the way, Jonathan Risner of my 1st grade class at Oak View Elementary: you seem to be doing really well for yourself these days. Good for you.), and I know how absolutely essential it is to put a face with a name, I decided that this Super Spectacular Holy Hotness Excursion will be strictly celeb.

First Stop - The First Crush That Lights the Corners of My Mind - The Marlboro Man, mustache version only. Who didn't suspect this one? I actually remember being three - four tops - and sitting in a McDonalds staring at a mustachioed man I thought was my rugged hero, plucked from the pages of my mom's Life magazine heavensent to the Golden Arches to ride me off into the sunset. Come to where the flavor is, indeed. [sidenote: Upon first meeting my friend Becky's dad, I couldn't help but be reminded of my very first crush. Don't worry, Becky; by the time I reached 15 I had long since moved on to the sexy mystique of the Drakkar Noir guy instead.]

Second Stop - Hottie Numero Dos - This specific Michael Jackson picture that appeared inside the Thriller album knocked me on my five year old toosh. Maybe it was the adorable tiger cub that first drew me in, but I could not stop staring at this picture. How I yearned for Michael to "hold [me] tight and share a killer, diller, chiller." Yowza!

Third Stop - Rounding out the Beefcake Trifecta - Philip Michael Thomas aka Ricardo "Rico" Tubbs of Miami Vice. I'm about five going on six now, and my world is rocked yet again when I see Tubbs on my tv screen. Oh, you were a Crockett fan? That's original. All I know is with Tubbs working the beat, this vice cop arrested drug lords and hearts. Not until I saw Sonny Spoon a couple of years later did my affection for the crime-chasing-eye-candy sway.

Fourth Stop - Superhunk Number Four - Michael J. Fox. Right, right. I know. So cliche'. But he is the reason I watched Midnight Madness and High School, USA two hundred sixty seven times each. And, I have no qualms in admitting that I heralded the Republican party for so long because of you, Alex P. Keaton. And then you went and blew my mind when you turned into our Teen Wolf. My God, if you shunned Pamela Wells and picked bore-zo "Boof" in the end, obviously you would have gone for seven year old me! I even held on when you had to go and stretch your wings and make Light of Day - by far one of the blowiest movies ever. Oh, Michael, who else could have pulled off a successful foil for "actress" Joan Jett in that suckfest of a movie besides you? No one! That's who!

Today's Final Stop - Fox Number Five - Johnny Depp, circa 21 Jump Street. I can literally feel the eyerolls and hear the groans from here. But wait, wait, wait! I know you! I know that Officer Tom Hanson gave you those special tingles, too. This guy coulda narced me out anytime, and you know that you feel that way, too! Come on! I wouldn't have been true to myself had I not included 21 Jump Street Version of Johnny Depp. You see, I had fifty some carefully selected, carefully torn pictures of Johnny from the choicest Tiger Beat and 16 magazines in circulation in 1988 taped all over my pretty pink Precious Moments wallpaper. You will not make me feel shame. Our love runs deep, Tom Hanson. Our love runs deep.

I will end this chronicle of lust here, but there are some other deserving folks to whom I would like to throw a what what, as well. You, too, buttered my bread, Dream a Little Dream era Cory Feldman. Greg Louganis, you dove off that 3 meter springboard in 1984 and into my dreams. Oh, Matt Dillon as Dally in The Outsiders: the cops may have shot you down by movie's end, but in me, you lived on. And, lastly, Bo Duke - Yee Haa!

Maybe you'd like to get a little something off your chest, too. Who was it that tooted your horn? Who drove your train? I am dying to know. As long as Zac Efron isn't the first stud to make Cornflake's heart go athump, the world will be beautiful and we will have peace. Cue the doves....