Wednesday, February 27, 2008

An Open Letter to Valerie Bertinelli

Dear Valerie,

First and foremost, I need to start off by acknowledging that this might seem a little harsh. Well, that's because I am coming to you as a friend, and sometimes friends need to hear the throw you against the wall dip your fingers in tar truth. And, Val, it is time for you to hear that truth.

Let me begin, though, by highlighting some really good things. You kind of affected my childhood, Valerie Bertinelli. You were so spunky and squeeze your cheeks adorable as lovable pubescent urchin Barbara Cooper on One Day at a Time. My sister and I loved watching your many adventures on WGN in the afternoons (though not nearly as much as we loved Charles in Charge or Gidget or My Sister Sam - no offense), and if we ever played One Day at a Time, neither of us EVER wanted to be stuck being sucky Mackenzie Phillip's character Julie.

And, Val, it was totally cool when you married Eddie Van Halen, because you were the good girl and he was the rocker and America just giggled at the silly pairing of you mismatched lovebirds, but, ain't love strange sometimes? And, when you came back into our lives every now and again to star in a made for tv movie, Val, it was so comfortable: it just felt right. By the way, I must especially commend you on Night Sins. It kept me riveted for both nights - all 240 minutes of it- and the sexual chemistry you shared with Harry Hamlin was palpable. Bravo!

But, Valerie, here comes the part of the letter where it might sting a little. I need you to do me a little favor. Get the hell off of my tv. When you divorced the old nutbag, there was a moment of, "Aww. Really?" and then I went back to my crossword. When I heard that you had been reloading your plate at the Golden Corral buffet just a couple times too many, I thought, "Tsk tsk," and then I dealt myself another hand of Spider Solitaire.
But then, all of a sudden, you were back, and you were back often. I guess I should blame Jenny Craig - or, more specifically Kirstie Alley for getting fat again (silly kook!). Kudos for losing 40 pounds. But, Valerie, get the hell off of my tv. I don't need to see you on Oprah and Access Hollywood and Larry King and The View and The Dog Whisperer and Trading Spaces and the Playboy channel and This Old House. You snorted coke, too? Well Mackenzie Phillips already shared that story, and she shared it better twenty years ago. Oh, you and Crazy Van Halen both cheated during your marriage? Hats off! Now get the hell off of my tv. Once you are safely back into oblivion for say, eight years or so, I wouldn't mind you returning to hock some nonstick muffin tins on QVC or something. But, for now, Val, I have had enough. I think America has had enough.

Good luck with the book sales and keeping your offspring Wolfie (sweet name, btw) off the blow.

Your friend,

What's a donzer


Malcolm said...

I really liked this open letter to the AFKABC. Although it was never one of my favorites, I recall watching "One Day At A Time" quite a bit. Maybe it was the lack of viewing options at time. The best thing about the show to me was the theme song and Pat Harrington.

Do you remember one of Valerie's earlier TV movies called "The Seduction of Gina" where she played a newlywed who became a compulsive gambler? I saw it on Lifetime several years ago.

By the way, I will be adding you to my blogroll sometime today.

what's a donzer said...

Seriously. I think Schneider was the main reason I kept going back for more. Even when I was 7, the sexual tension between Pat Harrington and Bonnie Franklin was palpable.

And, funny: I DO remember The Seduction of Gina. AWESOME!

My blog is so newschool I don't have a "blogroll" of which you speak; however I HIGHLY recommend any readers reading this right now go here:
It's all the pop culture you ever need, with the extra benefit of no annoying Perez Hilton to deal with! Bravo!