Thursday, February 21, 2008

You know teeth, we made a really good team once.

I am a little obsessed with food. And, when I say "food," what I mean is food that real Americans eat. Nothing that would ever appear on Top Chef or Iron Chef or My Chef is Bungholier than Your Chef. I'm talking KFC gut-bomb bowls of lovin'; I want my Sonic fried cheese sticks with extra fried. I could write novels for you based on the dramatic intricacies and nuances of each and every fast food chicken sandwich on the market (Dairy Queen, this message is for you: stick with what you know. Stick with the Blizzard and leave the chicken sandwiches for the big boys.). Waffle fries, curly fries, steak fries, homestyle fries - I now pronounce you the loves of my life.

Well, on a chilly, fateful day three months ago, a dentist stole from me the culinary loves of my life, and took with him any potential suitors that require any chewing that might cross my path. I have had to adjust without some of the best friends I have ever had. Popcorn chicken, you and I had some good times together. Quarter Pounder with Cheese, it wasn't you - it was me!

In attempt to find harmony with a soft-foods diet, I have been learning to embrace some foods at which my former palate, er, stuck out its tongue. So, my friends, I hope that you are always able to chew and feel what you swallow; however, in the lonely case you should become estranged from McNuggets and chicken and mushroom calzones, I would like to be a helping hand in your time of need. The following is my top ten list of foods in which no chewing is required. It's the Your-Dentist-Screwed-You-Now-Suck-It-Up-And-Eat-Some-Of-These-Things list.
1) Velveeta Shells and Cheese - This one is sooooo obvious. Already one of my favorite meals before the injury, (sadly, my shells no longer join their best friend the hot dog for the party in my tummy), these little conchs of heaven are surprisingly easy to eat sans-chew. Do yourself a favor, too, skip the lousy 2% milk lower fat version. You've been injured, for God's sake. Live a little!
2) Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni Microwavable Singles -I got turned on to these because they came in singlets. Since the husband and I now have totally contradistinct eating habits, I no longer (ahahahahahaha!) cook for two anymore. Anyhoo, you'll need to get used to swallowing the teeniny bits'o'burger, but, darnit, you need a little protein, and this lil meal is MUCH better than its lasagna or fettucine alfredo counterparts. Give it a try. If it's good enough for the big creepy white glove, it's good enough for you and me.
3) Edy's Slow Churned Rich and Creamy Cookies 'n Dreamz - You are going to find a whole newfound respect for ice cream. You'll go through emotional ups and downs with it: I love you, I am so over you, I need you back in my life, Jeff - I mean, ice cream. This flavor is good, too, and not just because it is endorsed by Ryan Seacrest himself. It is soft and chocolatey and ever so tasty. And, go to this website: and vote for your favorite American Idol ice cream, and YOU could be having an ice cream party at YOUR house with MELINDA DOOLITTLE or CHRIS RICHARDSON! Was Chris the beatboxer? I can't remember. If not, you can have him and I'll take Melinda. Either way, the ice cream's the tops.
4) The Husband Brings Home Dinner Twofer: Boston Market Macaroni and Cheese and Mashed Potatoes - It is very, very hard for me to eat Boston Market and not eat a Chicken Carver sandwich. HOWEVER, the mac and cheese is pretty good, and the mashed potatoes are winners in my book. And, hey, my husband brought it, and gosh darn it, there's a lot of love involved in putting in a douchy order such as this and delivering it to me with a smile.
5) Good Old Scrambled Eggs - I can tell you, a cook I am not. I have tried so many different ways to cook my eggs to make them fluffy and light and pretty. I have used milk and I have used water. I have tried sour cream, and I have tried mayonnaise (which my still-able-to-chew husband told me was "nasty" to put into eggs. Well Bugger off, Chewer! I kinda like it!) I always use cheese (cheddar), and, you know what,they may not be in the same league as a Wendy's #1 with cheese and a coke, but you know what? You can't chew that anymore!

6) The Easy Mac Cup - It's another macaroni and cheese entry. When I was a chewer, I never would have tried these. Just add water? A sphincter says what? But, these microwavable cups are decent! Do yourself a favor - don't - I repeat DON'T buy the Extreme Cheese version. NO SIR! ABORT! ABORT! The original version will do you just right.

7) Luigi's REAL Italian Ice, Lemon flavor - Just like the title proclaims, this stuff is the REAL DEAL! It's icy, it's lemony; I like to throw my cup into the microwave for about 22 seconds. Just right. There are other flavor varieties (I saw Pina Colada - maybe if I were caught in the rain I'd give 'em a whirl), but I am a purist and all I ever want when in the Kroger frozen food section is Lemon. It's delish. Mario could never have pulled this off.
8) Jell-O Devils Food Pudding Packs - Apparently sanctioned by Satan himself, these devilish little snacks are mouth-pleasers. They pretentiously sold out and became part of the "We're 100 calorie packs and we're proud" trend, but we should try to overlook that. Jell-O, you're better than that! You can stand on your yummy merits alone. Try 'em, won't you?

9) Edy's Girl Scout Tagalong Ice Cream - It's another Edy's endorsement for you! Let me begin by letting you know that I could not find this product on the Edy's website, which makes me wonder if Kroger sold me ice cream from last year's Girl Scout cookie season. WHO CARES? I'd eat this if it were ten years old! Tagalongs are truly the best product the Girl Scouts have introduced to the American consumer, and Edy made my dreams come true by introducing the Tagalong to ice cream! I must admit, it is kinda hard to swallow the chunks whole, but it's a choking hazard I'm willing to take (just kidding - mush it up, mmkay?). Oh, and if you are one of those cook-type-people, I found this website in which this blogger makes - yes MAKES Tagalong ice cream herself: I add the link because I think my friend Katy, upon reading this, has already gotten into her car to buy the ingredients to make this treat. I'm fine with spending $5.49 for the carton, myself, but whatevs.

10) Gerber 2nd Foods Banana Orange Medley - Yeah; you heard me right. I am allowed to try what Cornflake eats, and she was lovin' this one so much, I decided to take it out on a date, too. You know what? We went all the way. It's smooth, it's orangey, it's banana-y, what more could you ask for when your damn teeth have failed you?

Oh - a really important sidenote for you - I just saw this online: Gerber makes this, too: It's Lamb and Lamb Gravy. Now, don't get all cocky. Just because you can rock the Banana Orange Medley does not, I repeat NOT mean you should dive into any lamb in a jar. Seriously. Please don't do it.

And, my friends, I wish you well. May you always feel what you swallow, but may you have the stones to try some other thing out there if you can't. But, you have my permission to bitchslap your husband if he eats his #1 from Chick-fil-A in front of you. Good Day.


dub-B said...

You had me, up to #10. I'm still gagging after reading that an adult actually ate something made by Gerber on purpose. Next you'll be telling me about how much you like those Gerber "meat" sticks and I'll lose it for sure. I couldn't even feed those to li'l dub-B because:
A) No meat smells like whatever is in those jars, and
2)What is that liquid they are floating in?!

Anyway, I'm really sorry that your dentist has put you in this unfortunate situation...but know that everyone in the dub-B household is pulling for a full recovery.

Get well what's a donzer, get well.

triangle man said...

First of all, I don't appreciate you throwing Dairy Queen under the bus. They make one of the best cheese burgers that comes from a fast food joint.

Further more, don't knock the lamb in a can until you try it! Seriously, grow some balls. And what about Timmy's favorite food? It's soft and will slide down your gullet smoothly.

Now the cheese eggs are King! I would suggest not to mess around with adding milk, sour cream, mayo, catsup, mustard, whatever. Just throw the eggs in a pan with some butter, douce them with shredded cheddar (sharp), and sprinkle on some pepper... YUMMY!

cory said...

Good stuff... I laughed, I cried, I threw up a little in my mouth at the thought of eating lamb baby food. Well done, Whats a Donzer. Well done indeed.

what's a donzer said...

You know, triangle man, I have never even considered going eggs to pan, no lube. Perhaps this is just the trick I need on the quest for the perfect scrambleds. By the way, sorry about the Dairy Queen jab; however, they are the whorey chain that tried to bring fried shrimp into their lineup, too. Seriously - Chocolate Extreme Blizzard. They could sell nothing else and still have me at hello.

what's a donzer said...

dub-b: Don't knock it 'til you try it. This is just the kind of elitist attitude I'd expect from one still able to chew. Meat sticks: no. Orange Banana Medley: of course.

Thanks, though, for the family support! I'll think of your gang each time I place the Jacob Marley ice pack around my head.

Katy said...

OH MY GOD! I seriously have consume 5 tagalongs today - 5, because my GS cookies just got here. So - what a strange coincidence. I am going to stop eating them because I did just copy and print the recipe from Emiline's website, but I am only going to make it if my Giant (NoVAs favorite grocery store)doesn't have the ice cream!

what's a donzer said...

I KNEW you'd be all over it!