Thursday, July 15, 2010

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Passion Explosion Version 16.0

If you present the sexy, they will come.

It's an adage as old as the spoken word. Indeed, never in the history of oral utterances have truer words been said. My friends, it is my greatest pleasure to present to you the best welcome back gift in the history of welcome back gifts (by the way, thanks again to all of you for the outpouring of warm wishes in the form of flowers, Pixie Stix, and dolla dolla bills, y'all. What wonderful and completely unexpected surprises!). It's time, yet again, for me to present the sexy. It's up to you to fulfill the latter half of ye olde proverb.

To celebrate the return of the most glorious day of the week, Sexy Programmer Thursday is robbing the cradle of love with a libidinous lad. Today's titillating technophile is none other than the foxy (co)founder of Firefox, Blake "Makes your loins quake" Ross. Yeah. You heard me - only the founder of the sexiest internet browser in the history of internet browsing. Naturally, I use Firefox; legend has it its name comes from the fires down below that rumble inside you each and every time you use the heat-seeking browser. But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I feel like I should be completely honest. Here's the thing: when I use Firefox, my computer crashes. Like all the time. But, today I had a realization: I now understand that each Firefox crash is really just an enormous metaphor. I can recognize blatant symbolism when I see it. Obviously the gods are revealing that my own Firefox, Blake Ross, is meant to crash into me. Repeatedly.

Anyway, I digress. I would like to formally introduce you to our love machine. Our Sweet Blakiepoo is actually a bit of an enigma. When he emerged as the poster boy for open-sourced Firefox, he was, by many accounts, a hesitant spokesmodel. But, when you come bringing the goods like our boy Blake, obviously you're going to have to deal with the travails of being an amazingly lusty piece of meat. After exhaustive internet research, we still don't know much about Blake, but we know we love him. And that may be all we need to know. Hang on there, reader; your saliva is dripping all over me, so I'll let you taste some of the juicy morsels we do know about the wondrous wunderkind:

1) He currently works at Facebook, and his title is Director of Product, aka, Director of Turning On Everyone in the Free World.

2) As an employee of Facebook, he officially gets his paycheck signed by supersplooge Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. (editor's note: what a giant wank with a teenypeeny complex and obvious B.Ross envy, eh?) He is now known to some as the amazingly smokin piece of manmeat who killed that Summer of '10 twistyturny roller coaster ride that was the "Icing" trend. Long story short, analgland Zuckerberg cleverly hid a Smirnoff Ice in Ross Ross Baby's birthday cake and Blake RossissofreakinBoss got down and chugged on one knee. It was clearly a case of menstrual flow Icing bro (I am so sorry; I couldn't think of anything else lame enough to match Mark Zuckerberg that still rhymed with "bro"), and everybody knows, once an analgland like Zuckerberg grabs a trend by the horns, the party's over. If you have some time to be alone and in a safe place today, you can watch the video here as the angels sing and all is right with the world:

2) Giant stick? Check.

3) He's the world's sexiest author who has written the world's sexiest book, Firefox for Dummies. This book is so incredibly hot. So hot. Incidentally, the reviews were all raves (except for one jealous hater - you're dead to me J. McNutt.), and one of the raves just happens to be my favorite Amazon review of all time. It doesn't have much to do with Beautiful Blake, but I'll give you a hotness break to read it:

If your eyes can't see those itty bitty little words, Allen C. Windelspecht from the Catskills philosophizes (in his four star review entitled "Book does what you think it should.") : "How do you review a book??? It does what it says it does...." Indeed, Allen. How do you review a book? Indeed.

Anyway, I'm afraid I'm becoming longwinded (I could go on and on and on and on and on and on about his hotness for days and days and days and days and days), and you are growing weary of all words and not enough beefcake. Alright. Just so I can feel like I am doing my duty as informer, I'll go to the highlight reel of Red Hot Ross' favorite things. Here are a few, chosen randomly, in collage form:
He really is the Everyman. The Everysexyman.

And now. The main event. I'll let Blake Ross speak to us, just like he does in my dreams.
"Yeah. I'm wearing my t-shirt in the pool just like your eleven year old fat cousin Ralphie does. I'm doing it because I can. You still want me. Shit yeah you do."
"Yeah, I'm sitting by some bikes. Sometimes I get tired of everyone always saying they want to ride me. This is my performance art, bitches. I call it, "Not everyone wants to be ridden all the time. Hear? Make sure your mom gets the message, too, alright?"
"Yeah, I'm lounging seductively on maroon polyurethane. My knees are clamped, but my paper lamp is on. I'm Blake. I'm full of mixed signals. Come over and I'll show you. Or will I?"
"Uncle Miles, Aunt Gina, Grandpa Tim, my sister Wendy; pretty much everyone up on that luxurious wood paneling behind me changed my diapers and bore witness to the magic. At Ross family reunions they call it the Golden Schlong. Sit on that a while, howsabout it."

I can't handle the heat anymore. I need to get out of this kitchen and just end this post here. Thanks, Bumpin Blake Ross for showing us what dreams are made of. You make one hell of a Sexy Programmer.


cory said...

I'm lovin the "laptop strategically placed to block my junk" pic.

Who do you think came up with that gimmick first.... Austin Powers or Blake?

C. Cocksedge said...

I can't believe our 'donzer' of an author was coaxed into inserting a "bros icing bros" reference! Genius? yes... but appropriate? Absolutely!

what's a donzer said...

Hey, C. Cocks...: I can't comment on the things which you have commented because I am too busy imagining myself being iced by Blake Ross. (Per the rules, of course), I'd be down on my knees so fast...

Cory: Imagine how long it took B.Ross to find a junkblocking laptop big enough for that strategic placement!