Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Guest column: An Open Letter to Disney from Your Has-been, Mulan

Dear Disney,
How are you?  I am fine.  I've been keeping really busy lately with a lot of new interests like my embroidery and my scrap...oh, who am I trying to kid?  I'm not fine.  Frankly, I have been pretty down in the dumps lately - not that I'd expect you to notice.  I guess I'm writing because there are some things I really need to get off my chest, and I feel like you owe it to me to listen.

Disney, you've become so distant lately.  We used to spend so much time together.  You used to call me your exotic Eastern arm candy, and you paraded me around with you everywhere you went.  I starred in my very own Happy Meals (the cardboard box kind, too, not the completely chintzy lame paper bag version).  I was a supporting cast-member of the immensely popular Milton Bradley board game Monopoly Junior.  I was an adorable luggage set recalled by the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission for containing dangerously high levels of lead. I was a Pez, for God's sake.  A Pez, Disney.  Oh my God.  Seeing the words in print just makes me feel so cheap.

But, then my world changed.  It's like I just disappeared from your life.  You traipse around with your harem of beautiful princesses all over God's green earth, yet I am nowhere to be found.  Whenever I walk into the Dollar Tree to pick up my nonabrasive powdered cleanser (just $1!  That's an amazing deal!), there's Aurora peering around from the novelty item aisle, staring down her pointy little lilywhite nose at me.  Do you have any idea how that feels?  And when I go to Wal Mart to get my Rollback on,  all I can see is catty little Snow White and her snotty homegirl Belle acting like they don't even know who I am.  And don't even get me started on your fresh-faced new little superstar, Tiana.  Oh, no.  Everywhere I turn, she's there.  You don't think that hurts?   

And then, the other day I'm all, "What am I going to be for Halloween this year?" and then I'm like, "I know what I'll be!  I'll be ME!" so I clicky clicky online to halloweenexpress.com (and to, like, fourteen other costume websites, BTW) to find the perfect Mulan costume, and who should I find?  Well, I'll tell you.  I find Ariel and Jasmine and Tiana and Belle and Alice, dammit, and Tinkerbell and Aurora and Snow White and Cinderella - do you see where I'm going with this?  Yeah.  Guess who I couldn't find?  That's right.  No Mulan for the taking.  And, that's on you, Disney.

But you know what stings the most?  It's when I walk into my former safe haven - the place that always smelled like mom's home cooking mixed with the world's most cuddly hug - the Disney Store (yeah.  A store can smell like a hug.  I guess you take that for granted, though.)  Where in the hell am I to be found in the Disney store?  I'll tell you where:  nowhere, unless - Oh God - I'm standing there behind, like,  Pocohantas on...oh God... on clearance.

Do you even remember who I am, Disney?  Dammit, Disney!  I'm only the single-most heroic female character that has ever emerged from Disney animation.  Back in '98, I was the shiz, Diz.  You tried to build me up, lumping me into the "princess" category (you just knew that would play directly to my fragile id, didn't you?) even though I wasn't officially born into royalty.  No, unlike your little minions Cinderella and Ariel, I earned my status as a royal.  Yeah.  I only saved my entire homeland from THE MOTHERFREAKING HUNS while single-handedly rescuing THE EMPEROR OF CHINA!  Maybe you've heard of my homeland - located in Asia, Earth's largest and most populous continent, China is home to  nearly one and a half billion people.  Perhaps you thought there weren't enough Asians kids on the planet in need of a completely empowering role model capable of washing off her makeup, duct-taping down her boobs, and kicking some ass?  Yeah.  I can see that.

Come ON, Disney.  Wake up!  I was this close to calling HR about this situation, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt.  Are you going to surprise me by announcing that we're going into production of Mulan 3, thus introducing our worldwide media-blitz the likes of which your elite "Big Three" princesses have never seen before?  Just tell me, Disney:  When will I be on a Pull-Up?  I want my chance at being doused in both numbers one and two by little girls worldwide.  I'm begging to be soaked in piss here. You've humbled me, alright?

Let me give you a little perspective.  Do you know how many Facebook friends I have?  I'll tell you.  As of this second:  110,707.  And your darling Snow White?  63,281.  What about skanky little Aurora (as Sleeping Beauty)?  A piddly 60,348 friends.  Embarrassing. 

Anyway, Disney.  I just needed to unload.  I'll be waiting anxiously for your response (and also my reappearance into society on panties, pencil cases, and parasols).  Hit up your Asian star - no, I'm so much more than an ethnic label (though clearly an ethnicity your corporation is sadly and obviously by and large ignoring completely) - hit up your Everywoman (who happens to literally kick ass) with an explanation.  I can't wait to read it.



Walt D. said...

Aw, girl. You know I would never hurt you for all the gold and diamonds on Earth. You know I am your Walt D. And that is why I am begging you to look into your heart and forgive me for the wrong which I have done.

I know you know about me and the other women. Baby, they mean nothing to me. I’m so sorry I sexed them wild that night when I should have been sexing you. I am so serious about being sorry that I am prepared to do anything to win back your love.

Do you wish for a fine Godiva chocolate, my eastern princess? If so, I will journey the world, visiting such countries as Malaysia, New Zealand, and France in a search for the very finest Godiva store on the planet. Walt will personally screen each store for cleanliness, quality of product, and how dedicated each employee is to pleasing the most beautiful woman who ever lived. Then, I will tally all three columns of numbers into a master score for each location. This will determine which is the very finest Godiva store on Earth. And then, I will purchase the very finest piece of chocolate available at that store, maxing out my Discover card if necessary.

The chocolate will contain a sumptuous almond. There will also be caramel.

Once I possess the piece of chocolate, I will carry it back to your apartment on foot, not stopping even when my leg muscles scream in indescribable pain. On and on will I walk until I have brought this magnificent morsel of candy to your bedside. I will then put it inside the mouth of my queen using a pair of specially constructed solid-gold chocolate-feeding tongs.

Those other women you may have seen me with: Ariel, Jasmine, Belle? You must believe me when I say that I would not walk to the Mobil station to buy them a Clark bar.

This is only one respect in which I love you far more than those other women. There are many others, as well.

Baby, even when you are mad at me, you make me love you so much. Right now, I want to take you in my arms and shower sweet kisses on your forehead and neck. I want to feel you unbuttoning my purple satin shirt and then sliding that shirt off one shoulder at a time, revealing me in my tank-top undershirt and golden cross pendant. At that point, I want to pick you up in my arms and carry you through my living room, past the kitchenette, and into the bedroom, where I will show you the true meaning of my love.

So please, girl, give me a chance to make it up to you. Let me show you that you are my universal everything and that, in comparison, those other women are not even a whisper from a grain of sand on the world's smallest beach.

Let me make reservations at the finest restaurant in all of downtown, where we will dine on the finest steak and lobster, as well as many fine vegetables, including corn and green beans, and dessert, if you have room afterwards.
A delicious mint will also arrive with the check.

After this meal, I will rent a fine hansom cab to convey us all around the downtown area, where we will see many fine hotels, in addition to the outskirts of the park. The driver will let us out only three blocks from my apartment building, and I will tip him generously. We will then walk past the envious eyes of the city to my crib, where we will get down all night long as the music of Luther Vandross fills my bedroom. It is here that I will hit that ass doggystyle. I will leave you breathless.

If you only let me, I will fill you up with Walt D. We will freak nasty until the break of dawn.

Girl, I do not even remember their names. It is irrelevant for our purposes.

Anyway, hit me up on my celly as soon as you read this. You still have my digits? Even if you do decide that you can't keep Walt D. in your heart, I pray that you will allow our professional relationship to continue. I’ve got an idea for a new signature make-up line for you. We’ll call it, Mulan’s Rouge. Oh snap, that reminds me. I also apologize for that situation you may have read about with me and Nicole Kidman (I was in a weird place). Anyway, call me.


Eric Ewald said...

The also only have one Mulan barbie doll.. which is the ONLY asian barbie in the whole toys R us. My daughter(chinese) has gotten the same doll about 10 times for xmas and bday gifts. She could start a damn Mulan clone army..

C. Cocksedge said...

What is wrong with you people? If you are truly a Mulan fan then surely you would know about the inexpensive Mulan Costume or the EASY ROUTE. You could even take your young ones to Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique to have her made up like her FAVORITE princess, ESPECIALLY Mulan, for a nominal fee.

Perhaps you would even know about the Fashion Playset or the Myriad of available dolls online!! Are most of the Mulan dolls wearing the same costume, YEAH, the rest of the time she parades around as a dude! Not exactly the message you want to send to your own little princesses.

Honestly, I expected more from you people.

I'd like to end with my favorite verse from the Mulan movie: "where I come from
Tea-bagging is a very old and beloved tradition
Though I haven't kept every tradition
I certainly have honored tea-bagging"....or something like that.

what's a donzer said...

It's hard to know in which direction my reply comment should go here. Since technically Mulan wrote this post and I didn't, it is sort of her responsibility to reply, if she hasn't already run off with Walt based on the sweet nothings left in the world's longest comment here.

To EE - Alas, your predicament is also your fortune. It's much better, in my opinion, than a gluttony of Belles. She could not be lamer.

And, Cocksedge, it is so like you to push Mulan off to be seen exclusively on the wasteland that is the World Wide Web. Really? She deserves more, man. So freaking much more.

C. Cocksedge said...

Yeah, I HAVE to look for Mulan paraphernalia only on the web....otherwise it's just creepy.