It's been a bloody long time.

I hope this isn't awkward. I feel like you're my ex boyfriend and I'm bumping into you at Kroger and you have, like, a big cold sore on your lip - no, I have the cold sore - no, I think it should be you. Anyway, and I'm bumping into you in Kroger right by the puddings (the non-refrigerated ones; not the cold ones near the yogurts and cottage cheese, thank God for small favors), and the kids are getting all antsy in my cart and you didn't even know I had one kid, much less two. Oh, and maybe my bab(ies)daddy, like, had a fight with you one night behind the Ruby Tuesday or something, and now you and me are pretending it isn't weird and it kind of is, but we don't want to spend a long time talking about where we've been the last few years and everything. That's kind of how this is.

I'll just cut to the chase. We both know I've spent the last couple years on tour with the Tampon Family Players. Naturally, that's one of the only things that's been on my brain since we've last spoken. As such, I thought instead of just jumping right back into our relationship as though no time has passed, I'll just let the TFP's do the talking.
Judy: Holy applesauce, gals. Don't look now, but I think our superhunk of a quarterback just looked over here. Why, he's really the cat's pajamas!

Sharon: Stop flapping your lips, Judy. He's probably just wondering why he has the same haircut as you and Midge and also how come you both keep walking around the halls with menstruation blood all over your skirts.

Midge: Take your man-hand off the gear stick a second, Sharon. These are very hep hairstyles. And, we don't menstruate on our clothing anymore ever since we discovered new Kotex napkins.

Judy: Yeah. Now we're "free as a breeze."

Harriet: Yea Team!

Sandra: Oh, you are positively bonkers, Gary! How many far-out jokes about hot dogs can one guy think up?

Gary: It's easy to laugh with you, Sandra. You're just so hassle free.

Sandra: It's my new Natural Tip Kotax tampon. There are no hassles with tubes, no hassles with hard, blunt ends. Just like when you tried to insert your penis into my vagina that one time and we discovered you really are a homosexual. These tampons are soft and natural. Just like you.

Rachael: One day I'm going to get my mouth around a long, smooth flute, too, just like Rita and Pam. Look at 'em: so confident, their fingers just gliding along those pulsating instruments like pros, as if they don't even notice dreamy Travis back there, plucking away. I know what it is, too. They have the internal protection of Tampax tampons. I can't wait until I start using them, too. Until then, I'm gonna sit here and cover my flourishing pubic hair with my thigh and dream of the day I'm wearing my Tampax, blowing into a flute of my very own. I just have to tell myself: that'll be you one day, Rachael. Because my life is what I make it.


Well, I need to head over to the frozen foods section. Say hi to your family for me. Maybe I'll see you around sometime.