Dear Disney,
How are you? I am fine. I've been keeping really busy lately with a lot of new interests like my embroidery and my scrap...oh, who am I trying to kid? I'm not fine. Frankly, I have been pretty down in the dumps lately - not that I'd expect you to notice. I guess I'm writing because there are some things I really need to get off my chest, and I feel like you owe it to me to listen.
Disney, you've become so distant lately. We used to spend so much time together. You used to call me your exotic Eastern arm candy, and you paraded me around with you everywhere you went. I starred in my very own Happy Meals (the cardboard box kind, too, not the completely chintzy lame paper bag version). I was a supporting cast-member of the immensely popular Milton Bradley board game Monopoly Junior. I was an adorable luggage set recalled by the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission for containing dangerously high levels of lead. I was a Pez, for God's sake. A Pez, Disney. Oh my God. Seeing the words in print just makes me feel so cheap.
But, then my world changed. It's like I just disappeared from your life. You traipse around with your harem of beautiful princesses all over God's green earth, yet I am nowhere to be found. Whenever I walk into the Dollar Tree to pick up my nonabrasive powdered cleanser (just $1! That's an amazing deal!), there's Aurora peering around from the novelty item aisle, staring down her pointy little lilywhite nose at me. Do you have any idea how that feels? And when I go to Wal Mart to get my Rollback on, all I can see is catty little Snow White and her snotty homegirl Belle acting like they don't even know who I am. And don't even get me started on your fresh-faced new little superstar, Tiana. Oh, no. Everywhere I turn, she's there. You don't think that hurts?
And then, the other day I'm all, "What am I going to be for Halloween this year?" and then I'm like, "I know what I'll be! I'll be ME!" so I clicky clicky online to halloweenexpress.com (and to, like, fourteen other costume websites, BTW) to find the perfect Mulan costume, and who should I find? Well, I'll tell you. I find Ariel and Jasmine and Tiana and Belle and
Alice, dammit, and Tinkerbell and Aurora and Snow White and Cinderella - do you see where I'm going with this? Yeah. Guess who I
couldn't find? That's right. No Mulan for the taking. And, that's on
you, Disney.
But you know what stings the most? It's when I walk into my
former safe haven - the place that always smelled like mom's home cooking mixed with the world's most cuddly hug - the Disney Store (yeah. A store
can smell like a hug. I guess you take that for granted, though.) Where in the hell am I to be found in the Disney store? I'll tell you where:
nowhere, unless - Oh God - I'm standing there behind, like,
Pocohantas on...oh God... on clearance.
Do you even remember who I am, Disney? Dammit, Disney! I'm only the single-most heroic female character that has ever emerged from Disney animation. Back in '98, I was the
shiz, Diz. You tried to build me up, lumping me into the "princess" category (you just
knew that would play directly to my fragile id, didn't you?) even though I wasn't officially born into royalty. No, unlike your little minions Cinderella and Ariel, I
earned my status as a royal. Yeah. I only saved my entire homeland from THE MOTHERFREAKING HUNS while single-handedly rescuing THE EMPEROR OF CHINA! Maybe you've heard of my homeland - located in Asia, Earth's largest and most populous continent, China is home to nearly one and a half
billion people. Perhaps you thought there weren't enough
Asians kids on the planet in need of a completely empowering role model capable of washing off her makeup, duct-taping down her boobs, and kicking some ass? Yeah. I can see that.
Come ON, Disney. Wake up! I was
this close to calling HR about this situation, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. Are you going to surprise me by announcing that we're going into production of
Mulan 3, thus introducing our worldwide media-blitz the likes of which your elite "Big Three" princesses have never seen before? Just tell me, Disney: When will I be on a Pull-Up? I want my chance at being doused in both numbers one and two by little girls worldwide. I'm begging to be soaked in piss here. You've humbled me, alright?
Let me give you a little perspective. Do you know how many
Facebook friends I have? I'll tell you. As of this second: 110,707. And your darling
Snow White? 63,281. What about skanky little Aurora (as
Sleeping Beauty)? A piddly 60,348 friends. Embarrassing.
Anyway, Disney. I just needed to unload. I'll be waiting anxiously for your response (and also my reappearance into society on panties, pencil cases, and parasols). Hit up
your Asian star - no, I'm so much more than an ethnic label (though clearly an ethnicity your corporation is sadly and obviously by and large ignoring completely) - hit up your
Everywoman (who happens to literally kick ass) with an explanation. I can't wait to read it.
Regards,