Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I wonder if Nicole Ritchie has caught wind of this brilliance.

I'm not trying to brag, but I don't brag very often. I think, though, that I may have just created the world's most flawless diet, and, as such, I think I deserve a little Bragtown block party all up in here. If I were you, I'd probably assume that I am obsessed with food seeing as how I talk about it all the fracking time. But, you know that old adage about assuming, don't you? Don't ever assume, because you'll end up with a pantsload of gonorrhea.

Anyway, no, I'm not obsessed with food, but I do like it a lot. No, I'm not fat, but I do think I should probably stop running the IV drip of cheese dip through my veins or I'm going to end up gaining a couple of pounds. Anyway, tonight I just happened to stumble upon some information that I think might be the new, way less lame version of the South Beach Diet for the Summer of '08. Three words: Pixy motherfreaking Stix.

You know them. You love them. Our Stix of love and desire, sweet and pleasurable and able to not be chewed by the nonchewers of our world, are probably nature's perfect food. Indeed, can you think of a more enjoyable food? I mean, come on! You pour the delectable fruit flavored substance of love directly onto your tongue and the magic happens.

But the real magic, my friends? The magic upon which I stumbled just sixty or so short minutes ago? Just the fact that one singular Stix is a mere 8.5714 calories! Do you realize what this means, ladies and gentlemen? Let's just say you have decided to limit yourself to, hmm, 1275 calories a day (and, I'm no nutritionist or anything, but this number seems kind of low. I don't want to have to stage an intervention or anything here). Anyway (for argument's sake), you're going for 1275: that means that you can eat approximately 149 Pixy Stix in a day! If you are getting the recommended eight hours of sleep a night (I like to follow healthy guidelines), then that means you could eat nine Pixy Stix in each and every one of your waking hours! To me, this is a no-brainer.
All I can do now is sit back, tear open some Stix, and wait for this diet to take the world by storm. Imagine the possibilities. We could do Pixies on celery. We could add Pixies to our vodka. PBand Pix sandwiches, if you please. It's brilliance. Brilliance, I tell you.
Now go enjoy! Make haste!

3 comments:

Alice said...

I'm thinking that if you sprayed on some vitamins and then marketed you OWN version of the 'packed with nutrients' Pixy Stix - you'd really be on to something.

Bee said...

To me, that's what Easter is all about! Forget the peeps and the Cadbury eggs give me my pixy stix and I'm happy!

(Okay, I exaggerated about the Cadbury eggs, I love those with a passion I only reserve for melted chocolate)

Freddy said...

A testament to your brilliance sparkles and shines when you are capable of writing about pixie sticks and use the phrase "pantsload of gonorrhea!" LMAO....This is why I love you!