Thursday, August 19, 2010

Getting to Know You

Long time no talk, eh?  Well, you were so busy with that thing at work, and I've been taking all of those meetings with the Dutch lately, so, you know.  People drift apart.  Let's not let it happen to us, okay?  We're not like everybody else.  How about this:  How about we get a little closer today?  You know how I struggle with commitment, but today I'm going to let you in just a little bit, just to prove how much you mean to me.

Today, I'm going to divulge some secrets.  Not about me, but about my husband.  That should count as something.  Today I'm going to share and subsequently debunk

10 Names My Husband Has At Some Point Claimed He Was Called in College (But He Really Wasn't).

1)  The Holepunch - No he wasn't.  Of any office supply, he's characteristically so much more similar to White Out, I think.  So, if you know him, feel free to latch on to that one, 'cuz The Holepunch, he is not.

2)  Papa Smurf - Um, no.  Maybe that one time that one guy said that thing about giving handies to your mom and that other guy was like, "Yeah.  We should call him Handy Smurf" and my husband had had too many Southpaws or whatever shitty keg beer was in the backyard and he decided he'd latch on to that but change it a little and try to be Big Papa Smurf, but, no.  He wasn't.

3)  The Alabama Slamma  - I don't even know what the hell this is supposed to mean.  Is it because I'm from Alabama?  Don't let him try to tell you he was the Slamma.  Not even for one day was he eva tha Slamma.  P'shaw.

4) Senor Smoke - This one is really ironic, actually, because people did call him Juan Berenguer back in the day.  Man, life is really funny.

5)  Soul Train  - Nope.

6)  Beastmaster 6000 - WTF?  Really?  Not.  Possibly for eight months - maybe nine -  he was Beastmaster 6001, but Beastmaster 6000?  Hardly.

7)  DJ Minute Rice, What? - What?  Like the "What" is supposed to be part of the DJ name?  Huh?  Is it Minute Rice because he's white?  Does he think he was a real life deejay, too?  Does being on the cutting edge of downloading literally every Terence Trent D'arby track including the deeper cuts via Napster count as being a real life deejay?  Cool name, big guy. People never called you that.  Never will, what?

8)  George Peppard  - Oh?  Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith?  Yeah.  That happened.  Mmmhmmm. 

9)  I Toed Her Wet Sprocket - Ick.  Gross.  He didn't.  Nobody ever said he did. 
10)  The Swiffer  - He wishes. 

Confessions.  They really do strengthen the bonds that can't be broken, don't they?


cory said...

I'll give you the other 9, but I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree on the holepunch thing.

I was there. I know what they called me. You were not. And don't.

Richard said...

I was beginning to worry that the recent salmonella outbreak forced a recall of This Blog is Eggsalady and I would miss this week's installment. I've been holding my breath all week trying to will your next post into existence. So this morning, you may have felt a slight breeze blowing from the southeast. Yeah that was me with a giant exhale. BTW, I would like to apologize for the fish tacos I had last night.

This is an outstanding list of manly monikers. I will begin to incorporate these into the salutations of all my correspondence and water cooler talk.

I like the name DJ Minute Rice, but only because you brought Terence Trent D'arby back into our collective consciousness. Back in 1987, after the first listening of Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D'Arby, I thought for sure that he'd become the next Price and that the world would never forget the mark he left on music history. You just reminded me of how wrong I was.

I think George Peppard is my favorite nickname in the list. After all, he was the leader of the "A-Team".

Now we just need to figure out who best embody the persona of Face, Murdock, and BA. Hmmm.

C. Cocksedge said...

Welcome back, Donzer. It's been awhile.
I am really impressed you were able to whittle down the list of 62 nicknames to just the top ten. That may be why we didn't see the SPT, or any other post, this week.

Also, I think you misspelled the last one. It should read "The Swaffler". I really think he was more on the receiving end of this one, unless he just blushes alot.