You give me something, I can hold on to!

Awwww, Shiznitz! You know what today was? Today was one of those days that will be highlighted in my obituary. Today, my heart rumbled, my head rolled, and my loins quivered. Today, I discovered Jenny Jones' website.

My friends, I thought that my radiant beacon who brightened my days for years upon years had abandoned me for dead. Little did I know, she was simply waiting for the day that I would rediscover the sexier, virtual Jenny, and she does NOT disappoint. People, when I opened Jenny's website, I hit the mother lode. Jenny is a veritable knowledge messiah; I kid you not - I can not think of one area of learning that Ms. Jones does not cover - and cover masterfully. To wit: the information superculdesac that is jennyjones.com features smackyourass fantastic cooking tips and a for real though? nutrition quiz and a oh no she didn't advice column penned by The Divine Ms. J. herself and Jenny's own soft as a baby's butt made of five other really soft baby's butts 10 Tips For Beautiful Skin and Jenny's I can't believe this is only six steps 6 Step At Home Facial and a has this woman for real not been sainted and/or kidnapped and living in my basement biography and an I dominated all 12 questions on the first try Jenny quiz and a four section no (Alan) Cox allowed For Women Only quadrant featuring nod your head yes pet peeves, lolololololol Is it Just Me?s, you know that's right rules for the sexes, and a when did you yoink my diary, Jenny Jones? man quiz.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! JJ also covers the ups and downs and heys and hos of her amazing talk show and feeds my jones with a Jenny Jones Junkie quiz and whets my whistle with her snappies of like I'm looking at Jenny's soul butterflies and naughty bugs need love too creatures and like Sisqo with wings dragonflies and these rival your innocence, Jenny flowers and you're not crappin us other stuff that looked cool. Was that Ansel Adams? No; that was J. Jones. If you can stand the heat, do some clickin on Jenny's photo album, featuring a plethora of lovely Jenny shots, including (but not limited to) I've already downloaded these from I Tunes Bands Jenny Has Been In, by bad you must mean AWESOME bad hair days and I can't believe you'd tease me with this title Wardrobe Malfunctions. Getcha some live action Jenny Jenny with her how to video series: including my rings now shine like Jenny's eyes "How to Clean Jewelry like a Pro"; that's not the only thing that's open "How to Open a Jar Every Time" and much, much more! Finally, the original riot grrrrrl Madame J's standup schtick is highlighted in Vintage Videos, and lemme tell you: Bob Saget could learn a thing or two about delivery from Jenny's no shite "How to Impress a Woman" bit and her Are you There God, It's Me Jenny "My First Bra" gag. Holy freakin wow.



Anyway, I now know how I will spend the rest of my days. It's me and Jonesy 2gether 4eva. FYI, she posts an online diary, too. At first read, I couldn't remember if it was Jenny writing, or if it was me. Today, she had me at "I'm taking shorter baths to make my pedicure last longer." Hopefully your tub holds two, J, because I'm with you, Jenny. Forever.

after bowing down to the Jenny gods, visit humor-blogs.com and humor.alltop.com.

Sexy Programmer Thursday: Passion Explosion Version 5.0

It is on, my friends. It is sooo on. I am bursting at the seams to bring you this week's technology aphrodisiac; that's right, it is that sublime time of the week once again when we are slapped upside the head with a heapin helpin' of libidinous protocol. Grab a chair and hold what you got, because you are about to meet one of the most luscious kernels of love to ever hit Sexy Programmer Thursday.

Our beefcake of the week is a feast for the eyes hailing from the other side of the pond. Meet the hottest British Studasaurus to ever hit the free software operating system arena: Well, hello there, Alan Cox. You say free software, I call it free love; what's the difference? Our hunka hunka codin' love is one of the most important (I think the most important, but nobody asked for my opinioneering) developers and maintainers of the Linux kernel and dominators of Red Hat, Inc. Oh, Alan. You tease us so.

Our master seductionist is working his magic, indeed! Alright, alright: I'll cut to the chase and get to the goods. Here are a few TANTALIZING TIDBITS about our red hot red hat, Big (Alan) Cox:

1. Though the crazy wack mistress, the internet, keeps forcing me to compare Our Amazing Alan to another Linux engineer, Linus Torvalds, I say that Cox Rocks, and he compares to NO ONE! Look how Alan schools Linus, our hot programmer's adversary: "Sometimes I don't agree with his big picture, but since the debates are always technical issues it can always be solved by actual code." We don't doubt, at all, Alan, that you are the coder rocking the BIGGER picture! Snarl! And, on that note, I am sure I am not alone in thinking that Coxix would be a far bosser name than Linux, am I right, my peeps?

2. Our boy is looking out for you, Free World! He's a sensual supporter of programming freedom. We, too, fancy keeping people's paws OFF software patents and user interface copyrights, Coxy, but we can't help but daydream about our needy paws grazing you!

3. While we imagine being served up a heaping helping of Alan A'la mode, he is busy perfecting his mad chef skillz. Mmmmm! Flambe' the hotness, why don't you, Al? In particular, cuisinalicious Cox hollaz that he's "been having fun trying to figure Chinese, Mexican and Indian cookery." What I wouldn't give to have AC steaming up my kitchen sporting his apron and chef hat. Aaaaaah. Can somebody flip on the fan? It's getting hot in here.

4. When he's not sexying up the kitchen, he's making plenty of stems rise outdoors, as he's heating up the garden. Alan's "been trying to stop things growing and pruning them." Did you just say "prune", Alan? I've got a thing or two that needs some pruning, you hottie. Check this: "at the moment [his plants] are growing quite well enough without assistance." Oh yeah? Well you can plant your seed around here anytime, Alan. ANY time!

5. Finally, succinct, spicy Alan spews profound messages for the masses, and readers, this particular thought wad is not blown on Yours Truly. On January 3, 2008 at 2:41 a.m., our manmeat opined, "Repeatedly posting crud does not make it right." Oh, Alan, are you trying to send me a message, because I get it - loud and clear! I'll change for you, Alan! I will!

I'm thirsty: I'll take a Gallon of Alan and call it a day! My friend, you are one tittilating addition to Sexy Programmer Thursday! Oh, Cox the Fox: how will any other programmers compare to your brand of sexy?

Need a laugh? How about hitting up here: humor-blogs.com or here: humor.alltop.com?

Oh, one more thing: It just so happens that today, on this most appropriate day of hotness, my supersexy programmer husband turns 30. So, Happy Birthday, Old Man! You rock this browser's cache like nobody's business!